Robot Comic

Hunting Accident in Alaska

2008-12-05T13:47:00.001-06:00

A guy, out hunting in Alaska, accidentally shoots a polar bear. Realising
his mistake, he reports the incident to the local ranger.

A week later, he gets a letter in the mail, telling him that he is being
taken to court by the park service. Arriving at court, he explains to the
judge
what happened, and the judge comes to a decision.

"As you didn't kill this protected species intentionally, I don't intend to
send you to prison", the judge says. "However, it is still a serious error
on
your part, and I intend to deal with you by way of a fine, based upon the
body weight of the animal".

"For every one pound of body weight, you will be fined $10". Consulting his
records, the judge finds the weight of the bear, as recorded by the park
services,
and calls for a calculator. After a minute of two, he calls the hunter to
the bench, and gives his judgement; a fine of $9,000.

The representative of the park services jumps to his feet, and approaches
the judge. "Your Honour", he says, "With the greatest respect, I believe you've
made a mistake in your calculations".

"We weighed the animal shortly after it was shot, and it weighed a total of
1000 pounds". "Surely, based on that measurement, the fine should be
$10,000".

The judge looks at the ranger, and says, "I made a calculation, taking into
consideration, the animals' weight, minus its two front paws". Looking
rather
confused, the ranger asks, "but why did you not include the front paws in
your calculation?"

"Because", the judge replies, "Every American has the right to bear arms!"

Life With a True Football Fan

2008-12-03T11:02:00.001-06:00

After spending all day Sunday watching football games on television,
a man fell asleep in his lounge chair, spending the entire night in there.

His wife woke him in the morning. "It's twenty to seven," she called.

"In whose favor?"

Magic Penny

2008-12-01T09:39:00.000-06:00

My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed
one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room.

Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had
accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No
amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to
have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear.

Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand,
swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

Detecting the Truth

2008-11-29T09:52:00.000-06:00

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man was able to clearly see his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in dozens of activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

Lamaze Class

2008-11-27T08:35:00.000-06:00

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity
requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what
it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying,
"This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife
would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, pick up that pen for me."

The Mighty Tiger

2008-11-26T09:03:00.000-06:00

There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great. He
felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him,
"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"

And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one
is mightier than you."

A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO
IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"

The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer,
"Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."

The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly
munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE
MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"

Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up,
slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was
just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a
nearby tree.

The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said,
"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."

A Near Accident

2008-11-23T13:36:00.000-06:00

When the light changed, Maurice stepped off the curb and started to
cross the street. He had to jump backward when an SUV almost hit him.

The woman inside calmed the nine terrified and screaming kids she was transporting from the
soccer match. Then she asked Maurice if he was okay.

"Lady!" he yelled. "Don't you know when to stop?"

She yelled back, "They're not all mine!"

I Felt The Baby Move

2008-11-21T08:32:00.001-06:00

First Child:
I placed my hand on my wifes tummy every chance I could for two months
waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon
hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little
movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed
experience.

Second Child:
When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran
home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our
letters to our family.

Third Child:
She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it out during the
next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the
telephone, so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of
the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.

Fourth Child:
We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said,
"Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it
became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we
called the pizza man for a delivery.

Request for Farm Subsidy

2008-11-19T09:43:00.000-06:00

Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir:
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a
check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs.
So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next
year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best
kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best
breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I
approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental
policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if
that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as
gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in
keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't
raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so,
and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until
this year when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising
hogs.

If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000
for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale
at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not
raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I
can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay
farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for
payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so
send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will
be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and
food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

PS: Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute
more free cheese.

Family Togetherness

2008-11-17T10:31:00.000-06:00

A tourist from the Atlanta area was hiking through the mountains
of North Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in
his life.

Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" he asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the city slicker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

A Small Gathering of Dog Quotes.

2008-11-15T14:37:00.001-06:00

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams
Block quote end
Block quote end
Block quote end

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love & always, have to mix love & hate.
-Anonymous

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise .
-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil P

God the Parent

2008-11-13T13:32:00.001-06:00

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.

"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Where?"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never
changed.

Dormitory Rules

2008-11-11T08:35:00.000-06:00

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180.

Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

Biblical Headlines

2008-11-09T21:25:00.000-06:00

If Biblical Headlines were written by today's liberal media...

On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed

On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock

On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed

On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy

On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost

On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed

The Wayside Chapel

2008-11-07T08:54:00.001-06:00

An English schoolteacher was in Switzerland, and looking for a room to rent. She wanted to have a place to stay, for when she would start teaching in the fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he could recommend any place.

He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparations for the move. When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a Water Closet (toilet) around the place. She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a "W.C." near the room.

The schoolmaster was a poor master of English so he asked the parish priest about the meaning of the letters "W.C." and the only solution they could come up with for the letters was "Wayside Chapel."

The schoolmaster then wrote the following note to the English lady seeking a "W.C." with her room.

Dear Madam: I take great comfort in informing you that a "W.C." is situated nine miles from the house in the corner of a beautiful grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people, and it is open on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great many people expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early, although there is usually plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good many bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others, who can't afford to go by car, arrive just in time. I would especially advise your ladyship to go on Thursdays when there is an organ accompanist. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the "W.C." and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat usually reserved for one, and it was wonderful to see the expression on their faces. The newest attraction is a bell, donated by a wealthy resident of the district, which rings every time a person enters. A Bazaar is to be held to raise money for plush seats for all, since the people believe it is a long felt want. My wife is rather delicate so she can't go regularly: it is almost a year since she went last. Naturally it pains her not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children there is a special time so that they will not disturb the elders. Hoping to have been of some service to you, I remain, Sincerely, The Schoolmaster

The Hamster Has To Go!

2008-11-05T10:08:00.001-06:00

The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that
they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.

Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and
feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.

The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though
one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time - we'll miss him."

"Yes," Mom replied, "but he's too much work for one person, and since I'm
that one person, I say he goes."

Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't
be so messy, we could keep him."

But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she
insisted. "Go and get his cage."

With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We
thought you said Daddy!"

How Did The Coffee Taste?

2008-11-03T08:26:00.001-06:00

A woman at our interactive advertising agency had recently returned from her
maternity leave when she sent the following e-mail:

"Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that was in the
refrigerator yesterday, please do NOT own up to it. I would find it forever
after difficult to meet your gaze across a cafeteria table whilst having a
discussion about java applets or brand identity.
Just be aware that that milk was EXPRESSLY for my son if you get my drift...

"I will label these things from now on, but if you found your coffee tasted
just a little bit unusual this morning, you might think about calling your
mom and telling her you love her."

Back On Speaking Terms

2008-11-01T10:34:00.000-05:00

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.

Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.

"Oh," I said, "so now you're speaking to me."

He looked confused, "What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.

"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

2008-10-30T10:17:00.001-05:00

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Forced Landing

2008-10-28T20:49:00.001-05:00

A flight instructor was sent out to help a trainee who had
radioed that he was about to make a forced landing a few
miles from the base. The instructor spotted the plane
standing in a field small enough to present a real challenge
to his professional reputation.

Not wanting to be outdone by his student, he decided to chance a landing
there too. With determination, full flaps and engine just above the
stall, he maneuvered into the field. Climbing out, he
shouted angrily to the trainee, "Just how did you manage to
get into such a small field?"

"I landed in the big field over there," the trainee
explained, "but in order to leave room for you, I had the
farmer tow me here."

Cross-Eyed Dog

2008-10-26T21:09:00.000-05:00

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog is cross-eyed," the man says. "Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes and ears and then checks
his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What?" The man was astonished. "Why? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No," said the vet, "because he's really heavy!"

Today's Stock Market Report

2008-10-24T09:24:00.000-05:00

Helium was up.
Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

A Dog Outing

2008-10-22T09:35:00.000-05:00

The lady had taken her extraordinarily large Labrador dog on his periodic
outing to the park. As someone who, by her own admission, knew everything
worth knowing about dogs, she religiously took the dog on regular trips and
varied neither route nor schedule. Because the animal was occasionally
determined to have his own way, she
wasn't concerned when he became very obstinate and refused to get into the
car to go home.

She had to drag him into the car and out again when they
arrived. Thereafter, the dog refused all commands and became unpleasant
when her husband returned home.

Bewildered, she left the dog to himself and pondered where her dog-knowledge
might have come apart.

Sometime later the phone rang and a strange voice began,
"I don't know you but I'm calling from the park. Do you realize that your
dog is waiting for you here? I got your number from the tag on his collar."

Pink Suit Sale

2008-10-20T11:22:00.001-05:00

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was
bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had
some
very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit
we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the
manager asked.

"That's the one!"

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me.
Why is
your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit
me."

Bubba and Earl are Out Drinking

2008-10-18T16:49:00.001-05:00

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's
a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the
bottles under the seat."

"What?," asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff
said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!"

PS: The title links are now clickable to listen to the joke. Audio is powered by:

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Excerpts from the Human Resources Manual

2008-10-16T09:26:00.004-05:00

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.
4. Then analyze the situation.
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations and they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

PS: The title links are now clickable to listen to the joke. Audio is powered by:

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A Dog Named Mace

2008-10-14T16:36:00.002-05:00

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass -- not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it.

One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning.

When he awoke, he went outside and saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun. Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said,

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."

PS: The title links are now clickable to listen to the joke. Audio is powered by:

Robot Comic's Podomatic.com web page.

A Week at the Gym

2008-10-12T12:39:00.001-05:00

For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.

Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blonde hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair "monster." Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.

Real Men in Heaven

2008-10-10T11:12:00.000-05:00

When everyone from Earth was waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Arresting Goliath

2008-10-08T14:15:00.000-05:00

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.
The 'disturbance' turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed
almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy
and everyone else in the place.

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist -
probably better than Houdini."

The giant nodded.

"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how
strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't
you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four
minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the deputy asked.

The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."

"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."

New Apartment

2008-10-06T09:46:00.000-05:00

Bill and Sarah were Londoners and were blessed with seven healthy
children. After many months of discussion, they finally decided to
move to New York. It should have been a simple enough move, but when
they arrived, they had great difficulty finding a suitable apartment
to live in.

Although many were big enough, the landlords always seemed to object
to such a large family living there. If only Bill wasn't so honest
about the size of his family!

After several days of unsuccessful searching, Bill had an idea. He
told Sarah to take the four younger children to visit the local
cemetery while he went with the older three children to find an
apartment. After looking for most of the morning, Bill found a place
that was ideal.

The landlord asked him, "How many children do you have?"

Bill answered with a deep sigh, "Seven .. but four are with their
dear mother in the cemetery."

He got the apartment!

Hunting The Mumba Snake

2008-10-02T14:08:00.001-05:00

A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was "all torn up."

"What happened?" he asked.

"Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake. It has yellow and black stripes,
and likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch
it by grabbing the tip of it's tail with one hand and quickly running
your other hand up the length of it's body so you can grab it behind the
neck."

"Go on," the friend urged.

"Well, I stealthily sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle
path, grabbed it by the end and rapidly moved my other hand upward ...
just as the procedure goes."

"So why are you so banged up?" the friend asked.

"Have you ever goosed a tiger?"

Church Unity

2008-09-30T09:49:00.000-05:00

There was a feud between the Preacher and the Choir Director of the
Hicksville Southern Baptist Church . . . It seems the first hint of trouble
came when the Preacher preached on 'Dedicating Yourselves to Service'
and the Choir Director chose to sing: 'I Shall Not Be Moved'.

Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Preacher put the incident behind
him. The next Sunday he preached on 'Giving.' Afterwards, the choir
squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: 'Jesus Paid It All'.

By this time, the Preacher was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance
swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the
next week to hear his sermon on 'The Sin of Gossiping.' Would you
believe the Choir Director selected the song: 'I Love To Tell The Story'? There was
no turning back.

The following Sunday the Preacher told the congregation that unless something
changed, he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the
Choir Director led them in: 'Why Not Tonight'?

Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Preacher resigned a week later,
explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The
Choir Director could not resist: 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.'

You Know it's Been a Hot Summer When...

2008-09-26T12:35:00.001-05:00

Hot water comes out of both taps.
You find out that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty nice branding iron.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
You find out that you can get sunburned through your car window.
The birds need to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
You burn your hand opening the car door.
The temperature drops below 95 and you put on a sweater.
You can make instant sun tea.
Shade determines the best parking space, not distance.
Farmers feed their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard
boiled eggs.
When you step outside at 7:30 a.m., you break into a sweat.
Potatoes cook underground. This is convenient because all you have to do
is pull one out and add salt, pepper and butter.
You discover that asphalt has a liquid state.
You realize that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.

Cowboy Poetry

2008-09-24T10:42:00.002-05:00

Jake, the rancher, went one day to fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty and the clouds rolled gray and dense.

As he pounded the last staples in and gathered tools to go,
The temperature had fallen, the wind and snow began to blow.

When he finally reached his pickup, he felt a heavy heart.
From the sound of that ignition, he knew it wouldn't start.

So Jake did what most of us would do if we had been there.
He humbly bowed his balding head and sent aloft a prayer.

As he turned the key for the last time, he softly cursed his luck.
They found him three days later, frozen stiff in that old truck.

Now Jake had been around in life and done his share of roaming.
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked -- it looked just like Wyoming !

Of all the saints in Heaven, his favorite was St. Peter.
(Now, this line ain't needed but it helps with rhyme and meter)

So they set and talked a minute or two, or maybe it was three.
Nobody was keeping' score -- in Heaven time is free.

"I've always heard," Jake said to Pete, "that God will answer prayer,
But one time I asked for help, well, he just plain wasn't there."

"Does God answer prayers of some, and ignore the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square -- I know all men are brothers."

"Or does he randomly reply, without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day, the weather or the season."

"Now I ain't trying to act smart, it's just the way I feel.
And I was wondering', could you tell me -- what the heck's the deal?!"

Peter listened very patiently and when Jake was done,
There were smiles of recognition, and he said, "So, you're the one!!"

"That day your truck, it wouldn't start, and you sent your prayer a flying,
You gave us all a real bad time, with hundreds of us trying."

"A thousand angels rushed, to check the status of your file,
But you know, Jake, we hadn't heard from you in quite a long while."

"And though all prayers are answered, and God ain't got no quota,
He didn't recognize your voice, and started a truck in Minnesota "

BETTER KEEP IN TOUCH!

Super Dave

2008-09-22T10:57:00.000-05:00

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming
along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave
every single time."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour
in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone
and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He
knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not
like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow."

Cats and Dogs - For Cat Lovers

2008-09-20T08:59:00.000-05:00

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.
Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.
Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.
Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic!

Getting the Votes - Truth In Politics

2008-09-18T09:51:00.001-05:00

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote.

They were all assembled in the
Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited.

"I promise better education
opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"

The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.

"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle.
Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. "Sure," the Chief said,
"but be careful not to step in the hoya."

Top ten signs your co-worker is a hacker

2008-09-16T09:17:00.000-05:00

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leas," 95 times during the movie, "The Net."

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, fool."

Real Rules of Driving

2008-09-14T11:42:00.001-05:00

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think
he can go faster in your spot.
Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.
Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.
It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the
beach.
Remember that the goal of every good driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
Real female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper
traffic.

Mail-Order Models

2008-09-12T10:49:00.002-05:00

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. One says to the other, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"

The second one replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"

The first one says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"

The second redneck replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

Mother Of The Bride

2008-09-10T10:56:00.002-05:00

The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.

Her mother, Sheila, finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride EVER!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new, young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked her to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused saying, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!"

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind, dear, I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day, not hers or mine."

Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? You don't have any place to wear it."

Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner."

What Time is It?

2008-09-08T09:11:00.001-05:00

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an
important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or
not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the
hospital
fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have
the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground,
pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground,
and,
pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures
the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly,
then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian,
saying,
"It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe
it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his
watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable,
but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick
casts
no shadow?"

The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just
Problem Solving, Critical Thinking, Intelligencelook at my watch."

100 buckets of bits

2008-09-06T08:19:00.001-05:00

As the Robot Comic, I endorse this song, and sing it frequently. You can sing it too, if you are geeky enough.

--rc

100 Buckets of Bits on the bus

100 buckets of bits

Take one down, short it to ground

FF buckets of bits on the bus

FF buckets of bits on the bus

FF buckets of bits

Take one down, short it to ground

FE buckets of bits on the bus

FE buckets of bits on the bus

FE buckets of bits

Take one down, short it to ground

FD buckets of bits on the bus

Interruption! Note from Keith. That's enough Mr. Robot Comic. We want people to laugh, not get bored to death by counting backwards in hex. Just keep singing to yourself.

--kh

Someone Has Way Too Much Time On Their Hands

2008-09-04T09:31:00.001-05:00

M&M Genetics

Whenever I get a package of plain M&M's, I make it my duty to continue
the strength and robustness of the candy as a

species. To this end,
I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure,
squeezing them together until one of them

cracks and splinters. That
is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner
gets to go another

round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red MMs are tougher,
and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior.

I have
hypothesized that the blue MMs as a race cannot survive long in the
intense theatre of competition that is

the modern candy and
snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is
misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost

invariably
this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the
candy extra strength. In this way,

the species continues to adapt to
its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the
strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one
as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and

send it to:

M&M Mars
A Division of Mars, Inc.

Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503

along with a 3x5 card reading,

"Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a
free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this

"grant money." I
have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of
hundreds, we will discover the

True Champion.
There can be only one.

Some Quickies from the UK

2008-09-02T12:17:00.000-05:00

From British Newspapers

The following may or may not be truthful. It's still all in fun

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather
high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged
for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his
house." (The Daily Telegraph)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch
vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

At the height of the gale, the harbor master radioed a coast guard
(member) and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was
sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the
wind had just blown his Land Rover over the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made to their passengers:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service.
I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to
be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to
the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll
let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere
between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach
our destination."

"We are now traveling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told
me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about
things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to
a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,
ladies and gentleman... Unfortunately, towels are not provided."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (...pause). Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, and see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

Reasons to Become a Nurse

2008-08-31T11:56:00.001-05:00

Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren't as good.
Fashionable shoes & sexy white uniforms.
Needles: It's better to give than to receive.
Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops....eventually.
Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases.
Interesting aromas.
Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
Celebrate the holidays with all your friends.....at work.
Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to
them.
Courteous & infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly
legible handwriting.

Politically Correct NFL

2008-08-29T09:00:00.001-05:00

It's not just those of Native American descent who feel infringed upon by using their names as sports mascots. The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now
on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of
the teams rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football
League announced, yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the
upcoming season as follows:

The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall
People on opening day.

Other key games include

the Dallas Western-Style Cattle Laborers hosting the
St. Louis Wild Endangered Species,

and the Minnesota PlunderingNorsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.

In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the
showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the
New Orleans Pretty Good People.

The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of
Prey,

while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Red Male Finches.

The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes
against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden.

The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to
Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9.

And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large
Mountain Mammals.

Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New
England Zealous Lovers of Country.

Stay tuned and don't miss any big league action!

Bosses Night

2008-08-27T09:15:00.000-05:00

At an annual Bosses Night dinner in Helena, Montana, where legal
secretaries sponsored their lawyer bosses, it was time to announce
the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a
graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates
some of you as candidates."

The Emcee continued:
"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That
eliminates some more of you.
After a dramatic pause: "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."

A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"

Who Wears the Pants?

2008-08-25T10:23:00.001-05:00

Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more
successful than he was. Some even went so far as to insinuate that he
was henpecked.

Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off. One day, one of
his friends asked the tiresome question again, "Who wears the pants in
your family?"

"I do," Doug answered. Then, after a pause, he added, "I also wash
and iron them."

Dead Husbands

2008-08-23T08:07:00.001-05:00

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

40 Things You'd love to Say

2008-08-21T09:01:00.002-05:00

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to publicly humiliate
yourself.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my
way.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
I'm out of my mind at the moment, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here - I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I don't understand a single word you're saying.
Ahhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don't give a hoot.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
And your crybaby whiny opinion would be?
Do I look like a people person to you?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Oh, I get it. Like humor. Only different.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is finally done.
How do I set a laser printer to kill?
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary
I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
Wait a minute - I'm just trying to imagine you with a personality
A personal life? How do you download one of those?

Please God...

2008-08-19T09:06:00.002-05:00

A guy named Tony finds himself in dire circumstances. His business has
gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that
he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Tony again prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and
I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Tony still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and
my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for
help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me
win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Tony
is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Tony, meet me halfway on
this. BUY A TICKET!"

Chicken Farmer

2008-08-17T12:15:00.003-05:00

Did I ever tell you about the time I tried to be a farmer? I decided to start up a chicken farm, so I go to the farm supply store and buy a hundred chickens. I figured that would be enough to get up and running.

A month later I return to the dealer to get another hundred chickens
because the first lot had died.

Another month passes and there I am, back at the farm supply store for another hundred chickens. I figure that maybe I should ask the salesman for some help with my situation. I'm obviously doing something wrong, but I can't quite figure it out.

I approach the salesman to ask him about my problem when he says, "you must be doing great with all these chickens you keep buying."

"Well," I begin, "That's just it. I'm not doing so great. I have to keep buying more because they keep dying off. Do you have any advice for me?"

The salesman replies, "I might be able to help. Tell me what you are doing, and I'll see where you might want to make some changes."

To startwith, I do think I know where I'm going wrong" I tell the dealer, "Now,Just tell me what you think. I think I'm just planting them too deep."

Cats and Teenagers

2008-08-15T10:31:00.001-05:00

NOW! Learn how teenagers and cats are EXACTLY ALIKE!

Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane
efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting
on them hand and foot.
You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human
being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right
mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your
teen will ever crack a smile.
No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.
Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end
without moving, barely breathing.
Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating
that ultimate human ecstasy: a sense of complete and utter boredom.
Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to
return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your
bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not
other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a
guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else,
put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction.
When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some
affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

What's For Dinner?

2008-08-13T10:12:00.001-05:00

I was watching TV as my wife was out cutting the grass during
the hot summer. I finally worked up the energy to go out and ask the wife what was for supper.

Well, she was quite irritated about me sitting in the air
conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded
me. Can you believe that? She actually scolded me. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine
I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

So I did. I went back in the house and fixed myself a big steak, with
potatoes, garlic bread and a tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time I was finishing up and asked
"You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

Good thing I recently invested in a gun safe and had them all locked up. What does she mean when she says that she cooks all the food in the house?

Lifespan

2008-08-11T06:14:00.001-05:00

God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and
bark at anyone that comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a
life span of 20 years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years
and I'll give you back the other 10?"

God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people,
do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20-year life
span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?"

God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you
a life span of 60 years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60
years. How about 20 and I'll give back the other 40?"

God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years."

But man said, "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40
the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave
back? That makes 80, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "you asked for it."

So, that's why, for our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Windows Errors

2008-08-09T16:50:00.001-05:00

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. Close your eyes and press escape three times. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

Teach Me To Pray

2008-08-07T08:59:00.000-05:00

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Wrapping the Baby

2008-08-06T08:47:00.000-05:00

Part of her job as a public-health nurse was teaching new parents how to care for their infants. As she was

demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young couple turned to her and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like

an egg roll?"

"Yes," she replied, "That is a good analogy."

"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"

Man of the House

2008-08-05T08:16:00.001-05:00

A man had just finished reading the book "Man of the House" while riding the commuter train home from work.

When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he said, "From now on I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife thought for a moment and responded, "My guess is the funeral director."

The Van Gogh Family Tree

2008-08-04T19:36:00.002-05:00

After much careful research it has been discovered that the
artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh.
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh.
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh.
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n' Gogh.
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh.
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh.
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh.
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh.
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh.
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh.
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh.
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh.
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh.
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh.
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh.
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh.
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh.
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh.
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh.
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh.
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay
Gogh.

Kangaroos Just Want To Be Free

2008-07-30T09:05:00.000-05:00

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "I'm going to guess about a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

Jump Start

2008-07-12T10:28:00.002-05:00

About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.

I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming and wondering, "What can she be doing?" A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit more clear with my directions.

Bizarre Driving Laws

2008-07-12T09:09:00.002-05:00

This is travelling season, so be careful out there.

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street as long as a lantern is attached to the front of your car.
Driving barefoot is illegal.

Alaska
It is illegal to tie a dog to the roof of your car.

Arkansas
It is illegal for a person to blare the horn on a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9 p.m.

California
Any woman dressed in a housecoat is prohibited from driving a car.
It is illegal in San Francisco to buff or dry your car with used underwear.
No unoccupied vehicle may exceed 60 miles per hour.

Florida
If an elephant is tied to a parking meter, the owner or attendant must deposit money in the meter.

Georgia
State Assembly members are immune from being ticketed for speeding while the State Assembly is in session.
In Marietta, Georgia, it is illegal to spit from a moving car or bus, but is okay from a moving truck.

Illinois
In Evanston, Illinois, it is unlawful to change clothes while inside a car with the curtains drawn, except during a fire.

Kansas
In Derby, Kansas, it is considered a misdemeanor to screech your tires while driving.

Kentucky
If you stop for ice cream while driving, be aware that it is considered unlawful to transport an ice cream cone in your back pocket.

Massachusetts
You will be ticketed if you drive with a gorilla in the backseat of your car.

Michigan
If you car breaks down in Detroit and you are waiting for assistance, be aware that sitting in the middle of the street to read a newspaper is illegal.

Minnesota
It is illegal to cross state lines, regardless if you are walking or driving, with a duck on your head. And, if you're crossing into Wisconsin, the law also applies to chickens.
In Minnetonka, Minnesota, if you drive a truck that leaves mud, dirt, or sticky substances on any road, you will be considered a public nuisance who is harming the peace, safety, and general welfare of the town.
You cannot ride a motorcycle without a shirt.

Montana
In Whitehall, Montana, vehicles are prohibited from driving with ice picks attached to the wheels.

Nevada
It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.

New Jersey
Drivers are required to beep their car horns before passing another vehicle.
If convicted of driving while intoxicated, you permanently lose the option of registering for a vanity license plate.

North Carolina
In Dunn, North Carolina, it is illegal to drive on a sidewalk.

Ohio
In Oxford, Ohio, authorities will ticket you if you consecutively drive around the town square more than 100 times.
Keep in mind that if your car breaks down and you phone for a cab, you will be ticketed if you opt to ride on the cab's roof.

Oklahoma
It is considered illegal to read a comic book while driving.

Oregon
You will be ticketed if you leave your car door open longer than is deemed necessary.
You will be slapped with a Class A traffic violation if you use your car on an Oregon highway to prove your physical endurance.
It is illegal to pump your own gas.

Pennsylvania
If you spy a team of approaching horses, you are required by law to pull to the side of the road and cover your car with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted or sewn to blend into the scenery. But, if the horses react skittish to your efforts, you are then required to disassemble your car and hide the parts in the nearby underbrush.

South Carolina
In Hilton Head, South Carolina, you cannot leave trash in your vehicle out of fear of attracting rats.

Tennessee
It is illegal to fire a gun at any wild game other than whales from a moving car.

West Virginia
It is perfectly legal, for road maintenance purposes, to scavenge road kill.

The Sound of Drums

2008-07-08T03:11:00.000-05:00

A researcher arrives in the deepest, darkest jungles of Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by
his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the
mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide
As the heat and humidity of the hot jungle day increases, in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces,
"I don't like the sound of those drums."

Dusk arrives and turns into a tepid, osquito filled evening. The persisstant drums get louder and closer and more ominous. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is
obvious that the restless natives, with their drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I
really don't like the sound of those drums."

Suddenly the drums stop! All is suddenly deathly still in the wild jungle.

A piercing voice from the darkness cries out!

"Hey man, give us a break! He's not our regular drummer!"

Interview With An Eighty Year Old Woman

2008-07-07T10:46:00.002-05:00

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady
because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about
what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about
her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she
wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three
husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all
those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face
and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first
married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a
circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when
in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked
why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two
for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Harmonica One Liners

2008-07-07T10:30:00.003-05:00

Q. Why do dogs howl when harmonica players play?
A. They're trying to tell them how the song goes.

Q. What do you call a harmonica
players accompanist?
A. Fido.

Q. What do the best harmonica players have in common?
A. They all suck.

Q. What do you call a harmonica player who doesn't step all over the singers's lines?
A. Deceased

Q. What do you say at the end of a great harmonica solo?
A. Thank God.

Q. How many harmonica players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Five. One to screw it in and four to determine if it should be in straight or cross position.

Q. What do you call a harmonica player who says he knows what notes he's playing?
A. A Liar

Q. Why do harmonica players say they play a "harp"?
A. So you won't think they play a "harmonica"

Q. Why do harmonica players say they play a "harp"?
A. Harmonica is a four syllable word.

Q. Which is better: electric guitar or harmonica?
A. Electric guitar. You can't beat a harmonica player to death with a harmonica.

Q. What do you call a harmonica player in a brand new suit?
A. Dearly departed.

Q. How Many Harmonica Players Does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Don't worry about the changes man, Just blow!

Q. How do you know there's a harp player at your front door?
A. He doesn't know when to come in and he can't find the key.

Q. How to harmonica players traditionally greet each other?
A. "Hi. I'm better than you."

Q. What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians?
A. A harmonica player.
Q. What is the difference between a harmonica and a '57 Chevy?
A. You can tune a '57 Chevy.

Q. If you threw a guitar player and a harmonica player off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
A. The guitar player. The harp would have to stop halfway down to ask what key they're in.

Q. How do you get a harp
player to play softer?
A. Give him some sheet music.

Q. What do a vacuum cleaner and an amplified harmonica player have in common.
A. Both suck when you plug them in.

Q. How many Harp Players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None--they just steal somebody else's light.

Q. What does it mean when a harmonica player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
A. The stage is level.

Wal-Mart, An Adventure For All Ages

2008-07-07T10:24:00.002-05:00

First, let's set the scene. You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever.

You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work
clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old
t-shirt with a stain from who knows what and an old pair of tennis
shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you
realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something required to
complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror
and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you
just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You
went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and
comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot
of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the
register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover
the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat
Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you
don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in
the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing
running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking
she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto
your shirt Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new
sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that
shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the
register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have
it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop
and it says, "I Got Worms".

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog
crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your
50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in
your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have
your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your
prescriptions ready too. You don't even notice the dog crap on your
shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind
her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember
that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around
trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you
think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the
front door went to school with you.

Family Vacations

2008-07-07T10:15:00.002-05:00

When I was a child, my family used to often take our vacations in
British Columbia
. We had a favorite place to visit, mostly because of the fine
fishing. It was at a lake that was about 30 miles long and a half mile wide.

While we were around our campfire in the evenings, the local Indians
would go from camp to camp selling their wares. They would also tell of
the legends of the area. This one legend always stuck in my mind:

It seemed that on this particular lake, two Indian tribes made their
homes. They were, however, at war with one another from years before.
There was an Indian maiden in one camp who was in love with a young
brave in the other camp, and they used to stand on the shore of their
respective side of the lake and chant Indian love calls to each other
even though they were warned by their Chiefs that nothing could ever
become of their love.

One day, they just couldn't stand being apart any longer. That evening,
on a cold fall night, they each jumped into the lake and swam towards
each other in the moonlight.

When they reached each other in in the middle of the lake, they embraced
and very quickly froze to death. This act so impressed the brave's tribe
that they named the lake after the young man.

I will never forget those wonderful vacations that we spent at
LakeStupid.

Elephants and Fleas

2008-07-07T10:12:00.003-05:00

Q. What's the difference between an elephant and a flea?

A. An elephant can have fleas but fleas can't have elephants

Calling In Sick

2008-07-07T10:00:00.003-05:00

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable No matter how legitimate my
excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the
truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained
a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By
then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top
of
my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's
wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter
and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged
nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as
extremely
cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the
button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No,
it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It
was
our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied
hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked
me
as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most
vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them
with her
needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily
movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight
of
a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in
this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from
experience.
I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and
forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are
not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the
kitchen
floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all
snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to
suppress
their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in
to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about
my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about,
which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

Calling In Sick

2008-07-07T10:00:00.002-05:00

Barking

2008-07-07T09:52:00.001-05:00

Your dog's barking at the back door. Your spouse's barking at the front. Who do you let in?

Well, it's your call, but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.

A Child's Prayer

2008-07-07T09:49:00.000-05:00

A Sunday school teacher asked her pupils, "Now, children, do
you all say your prayers at night?"

A little boy answered, "My mommy says my prayers."

"I see," said the teacher. "And what does your mother say?"

The little boy replied, "THANK GOD HE'S IN BED!"

Where Do Computers Come From?

2008-07-06T02:42:00.000-05:00

A little computer goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail and we met at a cyber-cafe. We surfed the Internet and cruised the Information Superhighway together and had MegaBytes of fun.

Our protocol matched and we knew it was time for a hardwire intrface. We sneaked into a secluded room, where after pinging, your mother set her accesspermission to Read, Write, Execute, and agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as the upload was in progress, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, or had Anti Virus software installed. It was too late to hit the delete button, After nine months of sluggish and irratic operation, in your mother's operating system, a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
"You got Male!"

Adventures in Serving Our Country

2008-07-04T02:36:00.001-05:00

A Slice of Life in theUS Air Force

A US Air Force C141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at
midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the
latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is
sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take
care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the
aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left
outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar,
which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than
enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the
pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk
criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your
attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going
to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands
up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an
Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule , Greenland
for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look
pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning,
the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump
human waste from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment
did you have in mind?"

National Forrest Service Warning

2008-07-02T02:31:00.000-05:00

The Forest Service has issued a "BEAR WARNING" in the national forests
for this summer.

They're urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and
carrying pepper spray as a means to scare away bears. Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear
activity, and should be able to tell the difference between black bear
dung, and grizzly bear dung.

Black bear dung is rather small and round. Sometimes you can see fruit
seeds and/or squirrel fur in it.
Grizzly bear dung has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray.

Be Safe. Be informed.

Army Computer

2008-06-30T02:27:00.000-05:00

In the Army Now

The U.S. has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine
and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question:
Attack or Retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer:
YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer:
YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded:
YES SIR.

Its Time to Get a New Lawyer

2008-06-28T02:21:00.000-05:00

It's Time to Get a New Lawyer When: The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other.; During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.; He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."; He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."; During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.; Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.; Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.; Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."; He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."; He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.; He begins closing arguments with, "As Denny Crane once said..."

A Fairy Tale

2008-06-24T08:12:00.001-05:00

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who
did not whine, nag, or complain........

But this was a long time ago......

and it was just ONE day.

The End

The Ins and Outs of Baseball, A Simple Explaination.

2008-06-22T07:21:00.000-05:00

This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one that's in, sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come
in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.

When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.

When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless
the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.

The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in

Got it? Now go out, and don't come back in.

The Hungry Lion's Problem

2008-06-20T07:13:00.000-05:00

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.
He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the
other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

Error At City Hall

2008-06-18T07:07:00.000-05:00

Two men take a wrong turn and walk into a room in the San Francisco City
Hall. A man walks up to them, says a lot of legal mumbo jumbo , and finally declares, "I
now pronounce you spouse and spouse."

One man looks at the other and tells the Justice of the Peace, "We just came
in here to get fishing licenses!"

Dodge City

2008-06-16T07:05:00.000-05:00

A cowboy had been in the saloon for a long time and decided that it was
time, once again to head for the hills. He walked through the swing doors
and immediately
noticed that his horse had disappeared from the rail.

"OK" he said, re-entering the crowded bar "I,m gonna have one more drink and
if my horse ain't back by then, the same thing will happen here that
happened
in Dodge City."

With that several of the cowboys ran out of the saloon and within minutes
one had returned to tell him that they'd found his horse for him. As he
turned
to leave the bartender stopped him.

"Excuse me stranger" he said, "but what happened in Dodge City?"

The cowboy replied: "I had to walk home!"

Out of Stock

2008-06-14T07:02:00.000-05:00

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we
haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be
getting any
soon."

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who
was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll
have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never,
never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it
and it's
on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

The clerk smiled and said, "Rain."

Didn't Do It

2008-06-12T08:10:00.000-05:00

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids
were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were
empty
food boxes and wrappers all around.

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the
counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and
a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys
and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed
up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.

He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened
to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on,
reading
a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from
work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes," was his reply.

She said, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

A Childish Triple Threat

2008-06-10T07:56:00.000-05:00

Lunch Time

The power went off at the elementary school, so the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the school cafeteria. She had to feed the children something. At the last moment she whipped up great stacks of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

As one little boy, while filling his plate said, "At last... a home cooked meal!"

Thought For The Day

Kids are like breaking wind. No matter how bad they are, it is tolerable when they are your own, but offensive when it is someone else's.

Growing Family

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move.

"It's no use," Robbie said. "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."

Adventures in Married Life

2008-06-08T08:01:00.000-05:00

His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years younger. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products.

Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?"

He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you're so sweet!"

"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet."

The Atheist and the Bear.

2008-06-06T08:02:00.001-05:00

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created."What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What
beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind. As he turned to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charge toward him. He ran
as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was
pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell to the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him. At that instant he cried out, "Oh my God!"

Just then, time stopped. The bear froze, the forest was silent, the river even stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of
the sky saying, "You deny my existence all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit my creation to a cosmic accident and now you expect
me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said, "It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could you
make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well", said the voice. As the light went out, the river ran, the sounds of the forest continued and the bear put his paw down. The bear then brought
both paws together, bowed his head, and said,

"Lord, I thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

BBQ Steps

2008-06-04T08:00:00.001-05:00

It's the only type of cooking a real man will do.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging
beside the grill -- drink in hand.

Here comes the important part

4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with the situation.

More routine...
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery. 6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

Important again...

6. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....

7. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
8. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most of all....

9. Everyone PRAISES the man and THANKS him for his cooking efforts.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Going to Baby Class

2008-06-02T08:53:00.000-05:00

Going to Baby Class

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised
the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies,
what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"

One Day In The Forrest

2008-05-30T10:00:00.000-05:00

Two robins were sitting on a branch high in a tree. One looked down and saw a field full of worms. Turning to the second bird he said,

"We ought to go down there and eat."

"Good idea," said his friend.

The two of them flew down to the field and ate their fill and then some. When he could eat no more one said to the other, "You know, we ought to stop eating
and fly back to our branch."

Rubbing his belly the second responded, "Yep."

With that they tried to fly to their branch in the tree, but they had eaten too much to get off the ground. The second one said, "Maybe we should just stay
here and relax in the sun." Before long the two birds slept, basking in the afternoon sun.

As they slept, a cat happened upon the field. Seeing the birds, sleeping, and oblivious to his presence, the cat pounced. As feathers settled around him,
the cat rubbed his belly, and said...

"There is nothing better than baskin robbins."

The Baby Calf

2008-05-28T10:17:00.001-05:00

A rancher was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year-old son standing at the fence, wide-eyed and soaking in the whole event.

The rancher thought to himself, "Great, now I'm gonna have to start explaining the 'birds and bees.' Well, no need to jump the gun... I'll just let him
ask the questions and I'll answer as best I can."

After everything was over, the rancher walked over to his son and said, "Well, son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when it hit the cow?"

Shopping

2008-05-26T10:12:00.000-05:00

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart's and the
husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in their shopping cart.

”What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.

“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.

“Put them back, we can't afford them,” demands the wife. So he does and
they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream
and put it in the shopping cart.

“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.

“Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.”

A Burglarized Blonde

2008-05-24T10:07:00.001-05:00

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call over the
police radio, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a blind policeman!"

An Adventure on the Golf Course

2008-05-20T21:23:00.001-05:00

Gone Golfing

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment
into the ravine in search of his ball.

Ben searches diligently throught the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in
fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."

Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"

Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

Adventures with A Preschooler

2008-05-13T20:52:00.001-05:00

It was Sunday morning and little Jeffery sat in his Sunday School classroom. As an attempt to get to know her students a little better, the teacher asked him, "Jeffery, how old are you?"

Jeffery just sat there in silence and timidly held up four fingers.

"So, you are four years old," remarked the teacher. "And when will you be five?"

Jeffery finally opened his mouth and stated the obvious. "When I hold out my thumb."

The days, weeks and months passed by and finally the day came. Little Jeffery's mom was tucking him into bed and announced to him. "Tonight you are four years old, but when you wake up in the morning it will be your birthday. Do you know what you will be then?"

Jeffery honestly answered, "I'll be a handful."

Time marched on and soon Jeffery was ready for his first day of school. Both his mom and his teacher tried to help him understand what he would be doing all day in his new environment, away from his mom.

The teacher asked him what he thought his mother would be doing all day with outhim being around at home. His answer was simply, "cartwheels."

Lawyers At the Diner

2008-04-29T11:05:00.001-05:00

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned
and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

Collection of Kids

2008-04-18T08:11:00.002-05:00

Robot Comic

Hunting Accident in Alaska

Life With a True Football Fan

Magic Penny

Detecting the Truth

Lamaze Class

The Mighty Tiger

A Near Accident

I Felt The Baby Move

Request for Farm Subsidy

Family Togetherness

A Small Gathering of Dog Quotes.

God the Parent

Dormitory Rules

Biblical Headlines

The Wayside Chapel

The Hamster Has To Go!

How Did The Coffee Taste?

Back On Speaking Terms

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

Forced Landing

Cross-Eyed Dog

Today's Stock Market Report

A Dog Outing

Pink Suit Sale

Bubba and Earl are Out Drinking

Excerpts from the Human Resources Manual

A Dog Named Mace

A Week at the Gym

Real Men in Heaven

Arresting Goliath

New Apartment

Hunting The Mumba Snake

Church Unity

You Know it's Been a Hot Summer When...

Cowboy Poetry

Super Dave

Cats and Dogs - For Cat Lovers

Getting the Votes - Truth In Politics

Top ten signs your co-worker is a hacker

Real Rules of Driving

Mail-Order Models

Mother Of The Bride

What Time is It?

100 buckets of bits

Someone Has Way Too Much Time On Their Hands

Some Quickies from the UK

From British Newspapers

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers:

Reasons to Become a Nurse

Politically Correct NFL

Bosses Night

Who Wears the Pants?

Dead Husbands

40 Things You'd love to Say

Please God...

Chicken Farmer

Cats and Teenagers

What's For Dinner?

Lifespan

Windows Errors

Teach Me To Pray

Wrapping the Baby

Man of the House

The Van Gogh Family Tree

Kangaroos Just Want To Be Free

Jump Start

Bizarre Driving Laws

The Sound of Drums

Interview With An Eighty Year Old Woman

Harmonica One Liners

Wal-Mart, An Adventure For All Ages

Family Vacations

Elephants and Fleas

Calling In Sick

Calling In Sick

Barking

A Child's Prayer

Where Do Computers Come From?

Adventures in Serving Our Country

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made to their passengers: