Detecting the Truth

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man was able to clearly see his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in dozens of activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

Lamaze Class

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity
requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what
it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying,
"This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife
would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, pick up that pen for me."

The Mighty Tiger

There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great. He
felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him,
"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"

And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one
is mightier than you."

A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO
IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"

The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer,
"Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."

The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly
munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE
MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"

Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up,
slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was
just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a
nearby tree.

The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said,
"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."

A Near Accident

When the light changed, Maurice stepped off the curb and started to
cross the street. He had to jump backward when an SUV almost hit him.

The woman inside calmed the nine terrified and screaming kids she was transporting from the
soccer match. Then she asked Maurice if he was okay.

"Lady!" he yelled. "Don't you know when to stop?"

She yelled back, "They're not all mine!"

I Felt The Baby Move

First Child:
I placed my hand on my wifes tummy every chance I could for two months
waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon
hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little
movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed
experience.

Second Child:
When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran
home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our
letters to our family.

Third Child:
She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it out during the
next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the
telephone, so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of
the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.

Fourth Child:
We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said,
"Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it
became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we
called the pizza man for a delivery.

Request for Farm Subsidy

Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir:
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a
check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs.
So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next
year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best
kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best
breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I
approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental
policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if
that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as
gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in
keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't
raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so,
and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until
this year when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising
hogs.

If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000
for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale
at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not
raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I
can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay
farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for
payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so
send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will
be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and
food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

PS: Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute
more free cheese.

Family Togetherness

A tourist from the Atlanta area was hiking through the mountains
of North Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in
his life.

Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" he asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the city slicker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

A Small Gathering of Dog Quotes.

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams
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A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love & always, have to mix love & hate.
-Anonymous

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise .
-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil P

God the Parent

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.

"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Where?"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never
changed.

Dormitory Rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180.

Are there any questions?"



At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

Biblical Headlines

If Biblical Headlines were written by today's liberal media...

On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed

On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock

On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed

On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy

On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost

On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed

The Wayside Chapel

An English schoolteacher was in Switzerland, and looking for a room to rent. She wanted to have a place to stay, for when she would start teaching in the fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he could recommend any place.

He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparations for the move. When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a Water Closet (toilet) around the place. She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a "W.C." near the room.

The schoolmaster was a poor master of English so he asked the parish priest about the meaning of the letters "W.C." and the only solution they could come up with for the letters was "Wayside Chapel."

The schoolmaster then wrote the following note to the English lady seeking a "W.C." with her room.


Dear Madam:

I take great comfort in informing you that a "W.C." is situated nine miles from the house in the corner of a beautiful grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds.

It is capable of holding 229 people, and it is open on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great many people expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early, although there is usually plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly.

You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good many bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others, who can't afford to go by car, arrive just in time.

I would especially advise your ladyship to go on Thursdays when there is an organ accompanist. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.

It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the "W.C." and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat usually reserved for one, and it was wonderful to see the expression on their faces.

The newest attraction is a bell, donated by a wealthy resident of the district, which rings every time a person enters. A Bazaar is to be held to raise money for plush seats for all, since the people believe it is a long felt want.

My wife is rather delicate so she can't go regularly: it is almost a year since she went last. Naturally it pains her not to be able to go more often.

I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children there is a special time so that they will not disturb the elders.

Hoping to have been of some service to you, I remain,
Sincerely,
The Schoolmaster

The Hamster Has To Go!

The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that
they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.

Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and
feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.

The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though
one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time - we'll miss him."

"Yes," Mom replied, "but he's too much work for one person, and since I'm
that one person, I say he goes."

Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't
be so messy, we could keep him."

But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she
insisted. "Go and get his cage."

With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We
thought you said Daddy!"

How Did The Coffee Taste?

A woman at our interactive advertising agency had recently returned from her
maternity leave when she sent the following e-mail:

"Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that was in the
refrigerator yesterday, please do NOT own up to it. I would find it forever
after difficult to meet your gaze across a cafeteria table whilst having a
discussion about java applets or brand identity.
Just be aware that that milk was EXPRESSLY for my son if you get my drift...

"I will label these things from now on, but if you found your coffee tasted
just a little bit unusual this morning, you might think about calling your
mom and telling her you love her."

Back On Speaking Terms

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.

Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.

"Oh," I said, "so now you're speaking to me."

He looked confused, "What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.

"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."