In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Forced Landing
A flight instructor was sent out to help a trainee who had
radioed that he was about to make a forced landing a few
miles from the base. The instructor spotted the plane
standing in a field small enough to present a real challenge
to his professional reputation.
Not wanting to be outdone by his student, he decided to chance a landing
there too. With determination, full flaps and engine just above the
stall, he maneuvered into the field. Climbing out, he
shouted angrily to the trainee, "Just how did you manage to
get into such a small field?"
"I landed in the big field over there," the trainee
explained, "but in order to leave room for you, I had the
farmer tow me here."
radioed that he was about to make a forced landing a few
miles from the base. The instructor spotted the plane
standing in a field small enough to present a real challenge
to his professional reputation.
Not wanting to be outdone by his student, he decided to chance a landing
there too. With determination, full flaps and engine just above the
stall, he maneuvered into the field. Climbing out, he
shouted angrily to the trainee, "Just how did you manage to
get into such a small field?"
"I landed in the big field over there," the trainee
explained, "but in order to leave room for you, I had the
farmer tow me here."
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Cross-Eyed Dog
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog is cross-eyed," the man says. "Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes and ears and then checks
his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?" The man was astonished. "Why? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No," said the vet, "because he's really heavy!"
"My dog is cross-eyed," the man says. "Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes and ears and then checks
his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?" The man was astonished. "Why? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No," said the vet, "because he's really heavy!"
Friday, October 24, 2008
Today's Stock Market Report
- Helium was up.
- Feathers were down.
- Paper was stationary.
- Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
- Knives were up sharply.
- Cows steered into a bull market.
- Pencils lost a few points.
- Hiking equipment was trailing.
- Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
- Weights were up in heavy trading.
- Light switches were off.
- Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
- Diapers remained unchanged.
- Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
- The market for raisins dried up.
- Coca Cola fizzled.
- Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
- Sun peaked at midday.
- Balloon prices were inflated.
- Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
- And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
A Dog Outing
The lady had taken her extraordinarily large Labrador dog on his periodic
outing to the park. As someone who, by her own admission, knew everything
worth knowing about dogs, she religiously took the dog on regular trips and
varied neither route nor schedule. Because the animal was occasionally
determined to have his own way, she
wasn't concerned when he became very obstinate and refused to get into the
car to go home.
She had to drag him into the car and out again when they
arrived. Thereafter, the dog refused all commands and became unpleasant
when her husband returned home.
Bewildered, she left the dog to himself and pondered where her dog-knowledge
might have come apart.
Sometime later the phone rang and a strange voice began,
"I don't know you but I'm calling from the park. Do you realize that your
dog is waiting for you here? I got your number from the tag on his collar."
outing to the park. As someone who, by her own admission, knew everything
worth knowing about dogs, she religiously took the dog on regular trips and
varied neither route nor schedule. Because the animal was occasionally
determined to have his own way, she
wasn't concerned when he became very obstinate and refused to get into the
car to go home.
She had to drag him into the car and out again when they
arrived. Thereafter, the dog refused all commands and became unpleasant
when her husband returned home.
Bewildered, she left the dog to himself and pondered where her dog-knowledge
might have come apart.
Sometime later the phone rang and a strange voice began,
"I don't know you but I'm calling from the park. Do you realize that your
dog is waiting for you here? I got your number from the tag on his collar."
Monday, October 20, 2008
Pink Suit Sale
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was
bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had
some
very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit
we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the
manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me.
Why is
your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit
me."
bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had
some
very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit
we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the
manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me.
Why is
your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit
me."
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Bubba and Earl are Out Drinking
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's
a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the
bottles under the seat."
"What?," asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff
said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!"
PS: The title links are now clickable to listen to the joke. Audio is powered by:
Robot Comic's Podomatic.com web page.
a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the
bottles under the seat."
"What?," asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff
said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!"
PS: The title links are now clickable to listen to the joke. Audio is powered by:
Robot Comic's Podomatic.com web page.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Excerpts from the Human Resources Manual
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.
4. Then analyze the situation.
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations and they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.
PS: The title links are now clickable to listen to the joke. Audio is powered by:
Robot Comic's Podomatic.com web page.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.
4. Then analyze the situation.
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations and they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.
PS: The title links are now clickable to listen to the joke. Audio is powered by:
Robot Comic's Podomatic.com web page.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
A Dog Named Mace
There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass -- not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it.
One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning.
When he awoke, he went outside and saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun. Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said,
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."
PS: The title links are now clickable to listen to the joke. Audio is powered by:
Robot Comic's Podomatic.com web page.
One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning.
When he awoke, he went outside and saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun. Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said,
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."
PS: The title links are now clickable to listen to the joke. Audio is powered by:
Robot Comic's Podomatic.com web page.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
A Week at the Gym
For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.
Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blonde hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair "monster." Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.
Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blonde hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair "monster." Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Real Men in Heaven
When everyone from Earth was waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Arresting Goliath
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.
The 'disturbance' turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed
almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy
and everyone else in the place.
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist -
probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how
strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't
you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four
minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked.
The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
The 'disturbance' turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed
almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy
and everyone else in the place.
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist -
probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how
strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't
you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four
minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked.
The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
Monday, October 6, 2008
New Apartment
Bill and Sarah were Londoners and were blessed with seven healthy
children. After many months of discussion, they finally decided to
move to New York. It should have been a simple enough move, but when
they arrived, they had great difficulty finding a suitable apartment
to live in.
Although many were big enough, the landlords always seemed to object
to such a large family living there. If only Bill wasn't so honest
about the size of his family!
After several days of unsuccessful searching, Bill had an idea. He
told Sarah to take the four younger children to visit the local
cemetery while he went with the older three children to find an
apartment. After looking for most of the morning, Bill found a place
that was ideal.
The landlord asked him, "How many children do you have?"
Bill answered with a deep sigh, "Seven .. but four are with their
dear mother in the cemetery."
He got the apartment!
children. After many months of discussion, they finally decided to
move to New York. It should have been a simple enough move, but when
they arrived, they had great difficulty finding a suitable apartment
to live in.
Although many were big enough, the landlords always seemed to object
to such a large family living there. If only Bill wasn't so honest
about the size of his family!
After several days of unsuccessful searching, Bill had an idea. He
told Sarah to take the four younger children to visit the local
cemetery while he went with the older three children to find an
apartment. After looking for most of the morning, Bill found a place
that was ideal.
The landlord asked him, "How many children do you have?"
Bill answered with a deep sigh, "Seven .. but four are with their
dear mother in the cemetery."
He got the apartment!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Hunting The Mumba Snake
A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was "all torn up."
"What happened?" he asked.
"Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake. It has yellow and black stripes,
and likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch
it by grabbing the tip of it's tail with one hand and quickly running
your other hand up the length of it's body so you can grab it behind the
neck."
"Go on," the friend urged.
"Well, I stealthily sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle
path, grabbed it by the end and rapidly moved my other hand upward ...
just as the procedure goes."
"So why are you so banged up?" the friend asked.
"Have you ever goosed a tiger?"
"What happened?" he asked.
"Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake. It has yellow and black stripes,
and likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch
it by grabbing the tip of it's tail with one hand and quickly running
your other hand up the length of it's body so you can grab it behind the
neck."
"Go on," the friend urged.
"Well, I stealthily sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle
path, grabbed it by the end and rapidly moved my other hand upward ...
just as the procedure goes."
"So why are you so banged up?" the friend asked.
"Have you ever goosed a tiger?"
