Church Unity

There was a feud between the Preacher and the Choir Director of the
Hicksville Southern Baptist Church . . . It seems the first hint of trouble
came when the Preacher preached on 'Dedicating Yourselves to Service'
and the Choir Director chose to sing: 'I Shall Not Be Moved'.

Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Preacher put the incident behind
him. The next Sunday he preached on 'Giving.' Afterwards, the choir
squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: 'Jesus Paid It All'.

By this time, the Preacher was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance
swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the
next week to hear his sermon on 'The Sin of Gossiping.' Would you
believe the Choir Director selected the song: 'I Love To Tell The Story'? There was
no turning back.

The following Sunday the Preacher told the congregation that unless something
changed, he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the
Choir Director led them in: 'Why Not Tonight'?

Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Preacher resigned a week later,
explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The
Choir Director could not resist: 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.'

You Know it's Been a Hot Summer When...

• 
  Hot water comes out of both taps.
  

• You find out that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty nice branding iron.
  

• The trees are whistling for the dogs.
  

• You find out that you can get sunburned through your car window.
  

• The birds need to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
  

• You burn your hand opening the car door.
  

• The temperature drops below 95 and you put on a sweater.
  

• You can make instant sun tea.
  

• Shade determines the best parking space, not distance.
  

• Farmers feed their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard
  boiled eggs.
  

• When you step outside at 7:30 a.m., you break into a sweat.
  

• Potatoes cook underground. This is convenient because all you have to do
  is pull one out and add salt, pepper and butter.
  

• You discover that asphalt has a liquid state.
  

• You realize that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
  

Cowboy Poetry

Jake, the rancher, went one day to fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty and the clouds rolled gray and dense.

As he pounded the last staples in and gathered tools to go,
The temperature had fallen, the wind and snow began to blow.

When he finally reached his pickup, he felt a heavy heart.
From the sound of that ignition, he knew it wouldn't start.


So Jake did what most of us would do if we had been there.
He humbly bowed his balding head and sent aloft a prayer.


As he turned the key for the last time, he softly cursed his luck.
They found him three days later, frozen stiff in that old truck.


Now Jake had been around in life and done his share of roaming.
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked -- it looked just like Wyoming !


Of all the saints in Heaven, his favorite was St. Peter.
(Now, this line ain't needed but it helps with rhyme and meter)


So they set and talked a minute or two, or maybe it was three.
Nobody was keeping' score -- in Heaven time is free.


"I've always heard," Jake said to Pete, "that God will answer prayer,
But one time I asked for help, well, he just plain wasn't there."


"Does God answer prayers of some, and ignore the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square -- I know all men are brothers."


"Or does he randomly reply, without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day, the weather or the season."


"Now I ain't trying to act smart, it's just the way I feel.
And I was wondering', could you tell me -- what the heck's the deal?!"


Peter listened very patiently and when Jake was done,
There were smiles of recognition, and he said, "So, you're the one!!"


"That day your truck, it wouldn't start, and you sent your prayer a flying,
You gave us all a real bad time, with hundreds of us trying."


"A thousand angels rushed, to check the status of your file,
But you know, Jake, we hadn't heard from you in quite a long while."


"And though all prayers are answered, and God ain't got no quota,
He didn't recognize your voice, and started a truck in Minnesota "


BETTER KEEP IN TOUCH!

Super Dave

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Dave."


"Who?"


"Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming
along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave
every single time."


"There are always a few clouds over everybody."


"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour
in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone
and danced like a Broadway star."


"He was something, huh?"


"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He
knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not
like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."


"No wonder you remember him."


"Well, I never actually met Dave."


"Then how do you know so much about him?"


"I married his widow."

Cats and Dogs - For Cat Lovers

• 
  Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
  
  

• Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.
  
  

• Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.
  
  
  

• Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
  
  

• Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.
  
  

• Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
  
  

• Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
  
  

• Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
  
  

• I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic!
  

Getting the Votes - Truth In Politics

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote.

They were all assembled in the
Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited.

"I promise better education
opportunities for Native Americans!"


The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"


The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.

"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"


"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.


"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"


The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"


After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle.
Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. "Sure," the Chief said,
"but be careful not to step in the hoya."

Top ten signs your co-worker is a hacker

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.


9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.


8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.


7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.


6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.


5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leas," 95 times during the movie, "The Net."


4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.


3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.


2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."


1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, fool."

Real Rules of Driving

• 
  Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
  
  

• Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
  
  

• Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think
  he can go faster in your spot.
  
  

• Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.
  
  

• Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.
  
  

• It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the
  beach.
  
  

• Remember that the goal of every good driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
  
  

• Real female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper
  traffic.
  

Mail-Order Models

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. One says to the other, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"

The second one replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"

The first one says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"

The second redneck replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

Mother Of The Bride

The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.

Her mother, Sheila, finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride EVER!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new, young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked her to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused saying, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!"

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind, dear, I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day, not hers or mine."

Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? You don't have any place to wear it."

Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner."

What Time is It?

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an
important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or
not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the
hospital
fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have
the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground,
pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground,
and,
pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures
the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly,
then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian,
saying,
"It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe
it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his
watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable,
but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick
casts
no shadow?"

The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just
Problem Solving, Critical Thinking, Intelligencelook at my watch."

100 buckets of bits

As the Robot Comic, I endorse this song, and sing it frequently. You can sing it too, if you are geeky enough.

--rc

100 Buckets of Bits on the bus


100 buckets of bits


Take one down, short it to ground

FF buckets of bits on the bus

FF buckets of bits on the bus


FF buckets of bits


Take one down, short it to ground

FE buckets of bits on the bus

FE buckets of bits on the bus


FE buckets of bits


Take one down, short it to ground

FD buckets of bits on the bus

Interruption! Note from Keith. That's enough Mr. Robot Comic. We want people to laugh, not get bored to death by counting backwards in hex. Just keep singing to yourself.

--kh

Someone Has Way Too Much Time On Their Hands

M&M Genetics


Whenever I get a package of plain M&M's, I make it my duty to continue
the strength and robustness of the candy as a

species. To this end,
I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure,
squeezing them together until one of them

cracks and splinters. That
is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner
gets to go another

round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red MMs are tougher,
and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior.

I have
hypothesized that the blue MMs as a race cannot survive long in the
intense theatre of competition that is

the modern candy and
snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is
misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost

invariably
this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the
candy extra strength. In this way,

the species continues to adapt to
its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the
strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one
as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and

send it to:

M&M Mars
A Division of Mars, Inc.



Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503

along with a 3x5 card reading,

"Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a
free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this

"grant money." I
have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of
hundreds, we will discover the

True Champion.
There can be only one.

Some Quickies from the UK

From British Newspapers

The following may or may not be truthful. It's still all in fun

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather
high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged
for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his
house." (The Daily Telegraph)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch
vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

At the height of the gale, the harbor master radioed a coast guard
(member) and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was
sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the
wind had just blown his Land Rover over the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made to their passengers:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service.
I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to
be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to
the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll
let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere
between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach
our destination."

"We are now traveling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told
me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about
things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to
a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,
ladies and gentleman... Unfortunately, towels are not provided."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (...pause). Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, and see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."