Reasons to Become a Nurse

• 
  
  Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren't as good.
  
  

• Fashionable shoes & sexy white uniforms.
  
  

• Needles: It's better to give than to receive.
  
  

• Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops....eventually.
  
  
  

• Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases.
  
  
  

• Interesting aromas.
  
  
  

• Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
  
  
  

• Celebrate the holidays with all your friends.....at work.
  
  
  

• Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to
  them.
  
  
  

• Courteous & infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly
  legible handwriting.
   
  

Politically Correct NFL

It's not just those of Native American descent who feel infringed upon by using their names as sports mascots. The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now
on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of
the teams rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football
League announced, yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the
upcoming season as follows:

The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall
People on opening day.

Other key games include

the Dallas Western-Style Cattle Laborers hosting the
St. Louis Wild Endangered Species,


and the Minnesota PlunderingNorsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.

In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the
showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the
New Orleans Pretty Good People.



The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of
Prey,


while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Red Male Finches.

The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes
against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden.


The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to
Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9.

And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large
Mountain Mammals.



Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New
England Zealous Lovers of Country.

Stay tuned and don't miss any big league action!

Bosses Night

At an annual Bosses Night dinner in Helena, Montana, where legal
secretaries sponsored their lawyer bosses, it was time to announce
the Boss of the Year.


The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a
graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates
some of you as candidates."

The Emcee continued:
"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That
eliminates some more of you.
After a dramatic pause: "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."


A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"

Who Wears the Pants?

Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more
successful than he was. Some even went so far as to insinuate that he
was henpecked.

Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off. One day, one of
his friends asked the tiresome question again, "Who wears the pants in
your family?"

"I do," Doug answered. Then, after a pause, he added, "I also wash
and iron them."

Dead Husbands

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"


"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."


"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"


"He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died."


"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."


"He died of a broken neck."


"A broken neck?"


"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

40 Things You'd love to Say

1.  I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
   
   
2.  I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
   
3.  How about never? Is never good for you?
   
4.  I see you've set aside this special time to publicly humiliate
   yourself.
   
5.  I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my
   way.
   
6.  Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
   
7. I'm out of my mind at the moment, but feel free to leave a message.
   
8. I don't work here - I'm a consultant.
   
9. It sounds like English, but I don't understand a single word you're saying.
   
10. Ahhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
    
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
    
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
    
13. I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don't give a hoot.
    
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
    
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
    
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
    view.
    
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
    
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
    
19.  What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
    
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
    
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn.
    
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
    
23.  And your crybaby whiny opinion would be?
    
24. Do I look like a people person to you?
    
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
    
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
    
27.  If I throw a stick, will you leave?
    
28. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
    
29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
    
30. Oh, I get it. Like humor. Only different.
    
31. A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
    
32.  Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
    
33. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
    
34.  Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?
    
35. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is finally done.
    
36. How do I set a laser printer to kill?
    
37. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary
    
38. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
    
39. Wait a minute - I'm just trying to imagine you with a personality
    
40. A personal life? How do you download one of those?
    

Please God...

A guy named Tony finds himself in dire circumstances. His business has
gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that
he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Tony again prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and
I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Tony still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and
my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for
help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me
win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Tony
is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Tony, meet me halfway on
this. BUY A TICKET!"

Chicken Farmer

Did I ever tell you about the time I tried to be a farmer? I decided to start up a chicken farm, so I go to the farm supply store and buy a hundred chickens. I figured that would be enough to get up and running.

A month later I return to the dealer to get another hundred chickens
because the first lot had died.

Another month passes and there I am, back at the farm supply store for another hundred chickens. I figure that maybe I should ask the salesman for some help with my situation. I'm obviously doing something wrong, but I can't quite figure it out.

I approach the salesman to ask him about my problem when he says, "you must be doing great with all these chickens you keep buying."

"Well," I begin, "That's just it. I'm not doing so great. I have to keep buying more because they keep dying off. Do you have any advice for me?"

The salesman replies, "I might be able to help. Tell me what you are doing, and I'll see where you might want to make some changes."

To startwith, I do think I know where I'm going wrong" I tell the dealer, "Now,Just tell me what you think. I think I'm just planting them too deep."

Cats and Teenagers

NOW! Learn how teenagers and cats are EXACTLY ALIKE!

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
   
   

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane
   efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting
   on them hand and foot.
   
   

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human
   being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right
   mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
   
   

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your
   teen will ever crack a smile.
   
   

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.
   
   

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end
   without moving, barely breathing.
   
   

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
   
   

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating
   that ultimate human ecstasy: a sense of complete and utter boredom.
   
   

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
   
   

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to
    return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your
    bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
    

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not
other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a
guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else,
put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction.
When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some
affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

What's For Dinner?

I was watching TV as my wife was out cutting the grass during
the hot summer. I finally worked up the energy to go out and ask the wife what was for supper.

Well, she was quite irritated about me sitting in the air
conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded
me. Can you believe that? She actually scolded me. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine
I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

So I did. I went back in the house and fixed myself a big steak, with
potatoes, garlic bread and a tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time I was finishing up and asked
"You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

Good thing I recently invested in a gun safe and had them all locked up. What does she mean when she says that she cooks all the food in the house?

Lifespan

God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and
bark at anyone that comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a
life span of 20 years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years
and I'll give you back the other 10?"

God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people,
do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20-year life
span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?"

God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you
a life span of 60 years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60
years. How about 20 and I'll give back the other 40?"

God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years."

But man said, "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40
the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave
back? That makes 80, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "you asked for it."

So, that's why, for our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Windows Errors

• Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
  
  

• Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
  
  

• BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
  
  

• Close your eyes and press escape three times.
  
  

• File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
  
  

• Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
  
  

• Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
  
  

• Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
  
  

• Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
  
  

• Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
  

Teach Me To Pray

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"



"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.



"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.



The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Wrapping the Baby

Part of her job as a public-health nurse was teaching new parents how to care for their infants. As she was

demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young couple turned to her and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like

an egg roll?"



"Yes," she replied, "That is a good analogy."



"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"

Man of the House

A man had just finished reading the book "Man of the House" while riding the commuter train home from work.

When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he said, "From now on I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife thought for a moment and responded, "My guess is the funeral director."

The Van Gogh Family Tree

After much careful research it has been discovered that the
artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

• His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh.
  
  

• His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh.
  
  

• The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh.
  
  

• The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n' Gogh.
  
  

• The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh.
  
  

• The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh.
  
  

• The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh.
  
  

• His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh.
  
  

• His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh.
  
  

• The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh.
  
  

• The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh.
  
  

• The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh.
  
  

• The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh.
  
  

• The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh.
  
  

• His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh.
  
  

• The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh.
  
  

• An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh.
  
  

• The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh.
  
  

• A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh.
  
  

• His Italian uncle, Day Gogh.
  
  

• And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay
  Gogh.