A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "I'm going to guess about a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Jump Start
About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming and wondering, "What can she be doing?" A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit more clear with my directions.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming and wondering, "What can she be doing?" A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit more clear with my directions.
Bizarre Driving Laws
This is travelling season, so be careful out there.
- Alabama
- It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
- It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street as long as a lantern is attached to the front of your car.
- Driving barefoot is illegal.
Alaska
- It is illegal to tie a dog to the roof of your car.
Arkansas
- It is illegal for a person to blare the horn on a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9 p.m.
California
- Any woman dressed in a housecoat is prohibited from driving a car.
- It is illegal in San Francisco to buff or dry your car with used underwear.
- No unoccupied vehicle may exceed 60 miles per hour.
Florida
- If an elephant is tied to a parking meter, the owner or attendant must deposit money in the meter.
Georgia
- State Assembly members are immune from being ticketed for speeding while the State Assembly is in session.
- In Marietta, Georgia, it is illegal to spit from a moving car or bus, but is okay from a moving truck.
Illinois
- In Evanston, Illinois, it is unlawful to change clothes while inside a car with the curtains drawn, except during a fire.
Kansas
- In Derby, Kansas, it is considered a misdemeanor to screech your tires while driving.
Kentucky
- If you stop for ice cream while driving, be aware that it is considered unlawful to transport an ice cream cone in your back pocket.
Massachusetts
- You will be ticketed if you drive with a gorilla in the backseat of your car.
Michigan
- If you car breaks down in Detroit and you are waiting for assistance, be aware that sitting in the middle of the street to read a newspaper is illegal.
Minnesota
- It is illegal to cross state lines, regardless if you are walking or driving, with a duck on your head. And, if you're crossing into Wisconsin, the law also applies to chickens.
- In Minnetonka, Minnesota, if you drive a truck that leaves mud, dirt, or sticky substances on any road, you will be considered a public nuisance who is harming the peace, safety, and general welfare of the town.
- You cannot ride a motorcycle without a shirt.
Montana
- In Whitehall, Montana, vehicles are prohibited from driving with ice picks attached to the wheels.
Nevada
- It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
New Jersey
- Drivers are required to beep their car horns before passing another vehicle.
- If convicted of driving while intoxicated, you permanently lose the option of registering for a vanity license plate.
North Carolina
- In Dunn, North Carolina, it is illegal to drive on a sidewalk.
Ohio
- In Oxford, Ohio, authorities will ticket you if you consecutively drive around the town square more than 100 times.
- Keep in mind that if your car breaks down and you phone for a cab, you will be ticketed if you opt to ride on the cab's roof.
Oklahoma
- It is considered illegal to read a comic book while driving.
Oregon
- You will be ticketed if you leave your car door open longer than is deemed necessary.
- You will be slapped with a Class A traffic violation if you use your car on an Oregon highway to prove your physical endurance.
- It is illegal to pump your own gas.
Pennsylvania
- If you spy a team of approaching horses, you are required by law to pull to the side of the road and cover your car with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted or sewn to blend into the scenery. But, if the horses react skittish to your efforts, you are then required to disassemble your car and hide the parts in the nearby underbrush.
South Carolina
- In Hilton Head, South Carolina, you cannot leave trash in your vehicle out of fear of attracting rats.
Tennessee
- It is illegal to fire a gun at any wild game other than whales from a moving car.
West Virginia
- It is perfectly legal, for road maintenance purposes, to scavenge road kill.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
The Sound of Drums
A researcher arrives in the deepest, darkest jungles of Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by
his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the
mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra.
his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the
mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra.
Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide
As the heat and humidity of the hot jungle day increases, in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces,
"I don't like the sound of those drums."
Dusk arrives and turns into a tepid, osquito filled evening. The persisstant drums get louder and closer and more ominous. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."
Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is
obvious that the restless natives, with their drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I
really don't like the sound of those drums."
Suddenly the drums stop! All is suddenly deathly still in the wild jungle.
A piercing voice from the darkness cries out!
"Hey man, give us a break! He's not our regular drummer!"
Monday, July 7, 2008
Interview With An Eighty Year Old Woman
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady
because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about
what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about
her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she
wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three
husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all
those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face
and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first
married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a
circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when
in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked
why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two
for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about
what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about
her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she
wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three
husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all
those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face
and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first
married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a
circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when
in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked
why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two
for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Harmonica One Liners
Q. Why do dogs howl when harmonica players play?
A. They're trying to tell them how the song goes.
Q. What do you call a harmonica
players accompanist?
A. Fido.
Q. What do the best harmonica players have in common?
A. They all suck.
Q. What do you call a harmonica player who doesn't step all over the singers's lines?
A. Deceased
Q. What do you say at the end of a great harmonica solo?
A. Thank God.
Q. How many harmonica players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Five. One to screw it in and four to determine if it should be in straight or cross position.
Q. What do you call a harmonica player who says he knows what notes he's playing?
A. A Liar
Q. Why do harmonica players say they play a "harp"?
A. So you won't think they play a "harmonica"
Q. Why do harmonica players say they play a "harp"?
A. Harmonica is a four syllable word.
Q. Which is better: electric guitar or harmonica?
A. Electric guitar. You can't beat a harmonica player to death with a harmonica.
Q. What do you call a harmonica player in a brand new suit?
A. Dearly departed.
Q. How Many Harmonica Players Does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Don't worry about the changes man, Just blow!
Q. How do you know there's a harp player at your front door?
A. He doesn't know when to come in and he can't find the key.
Q. How to harmonica players traditionally greet each other?
A. "Hi. I'm better than you."
Q. What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians?
A. A harmonica player.
Q. What is the difference between a harmonica and a '57 Chevy?
A. You can tune a '57 Chevy.
Q. If you threw a guitar player and a harmonica player off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
A. The guitar player. The harp would have to stop halfway down to ask what key they're in.
Q. How do you get a harp
player to play softer?
A. Give him some sheet music.
Q. What do a vacuum cleaner and an amplified harmonica player have in common.
A. Both suck when you plug them in.
Q. How many Harp Players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None--they just steal somebody else's light.
Q. What does it mean when a harmonica player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
A. The stage is level.
A. They're trying to tell them how the song goes.
Q. What do you call a harmonica
players accompanist?
A. Fido.
Q. What do the best harmonica players have in common?
A. They all suck.
Q. What do you call a harmonica player who doesn't step all over the singers's lines?
A. Deceased
Q. What do you say at the end of a great harmonica solo?
A. Thank God.
Q. How many harmonica players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Five. One to screw it in and four to determine if it should be in straight or cross position.
Q. What do you call a harmonica player who says he knows what notes he's playing?
A. A Liar
Q. Why do harmonica players say they play a "harp"?
A. So you won't think they play a "harmonica"
Q. Why do harmonica players say they play a "harp"?
A. Harmonica is a four syllable word.
Q. Which is better: electric guitar or harmonica?
A. Electric guitar. You can't beat a harmonica player to death with a harmonica.
Q. What do you call a harmonica player in a brand new suit?
A. Dearly departed.
Q. How Many Harmonica Players Does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Don't worry about the changes man, Just blow!
Q. How do you know there's a harp player at your front door?
A. He doesn't know when to come in and he can't find the key.
Q. How to harmonica players traditionally greet each other?
A. "Hi. I'm better than you."
Q. What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians?
A. A harmonica player.
Q. What is the difference between a harmonica and a '57 Chevy?
A. You can tune a '57 Chevy.
Q. If you threw a guitar player and a harmonica player off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
A. The guitar player. The harp would have to stop halfway down to ask what key they're in.
Q. How do you get a harp
player to play softer?
A. Give him some sheet music.
Q. What do a vacuum cleaner and an amplified harmonica player have in common.
A. Both suck when you plug them in.
Q. How many Harp Players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None--they just steal somebody else's light.
Q. What does it mean when a harmonica player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
A. The stage is level.
Wal-Mart, An Adventure For All Ages
First, let's set the scene. You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work
clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old
t-shirt with a stain from who knows what and an old pair of tennis
shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you
realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something required to
complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror
and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you
just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You
went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and
comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot
of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the
register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover
the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat
Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you
don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in
the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing
running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking
she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto
your shirt Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new
sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that
shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the
register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have
it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop
and it says, "I Got Worms".
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog
crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your
50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in
your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have
your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your
prescriptions ready too. You don't even notice the dog crap on your
shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind
her of her grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember
that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around
trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you
think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the
front door went to school with you.
You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work
clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old
t-shirt with a stain from who knows what and an old pair of tennis
shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you
realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something required to
complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror
and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you
just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You
went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and
comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot
of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the
register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover
the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat
Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you
don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in
the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing
running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking
she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto
your shirt Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new
sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that
shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the
register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have
it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop
and it says, "I Got Worms".
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog
crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your
50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in
your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have
your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your
prescriptions ready too. You don't even notice the dog crap on your
shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind
her of her grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember
that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around
trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you
think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the
front door went to school with you.
Family Vacations
When I was a child, my family used to often take our vacations in
British Columbia
. We had a favorite place to visit, mostly because of the fine
fishing. It was at a lake that was about 30 miles long and a half mile wide.
While we were around our campfire in the evenings, the local Indians
would go from camp to camp selling their wares. They would also tell of
the legends of the area. This one legend always stuck in my mind:
It seemed that on this particular lake, two Indian tribes made their
homes. They were, however, at war with one another from years before.
There was an Indian maiden in one camp who was in love with a young
brave in the other camp, and they used to stand on the shore of their
respective side of the lake and chant Indian love calls to each other
even though they were warned by their Chiefs that nothing could ever
become of their love.
One day, they just couldn't stand being apart any longer. That evening,
on a cold fall night, they each jumped into the lake and swam towards
each other in the moonlight.
When they reached each other in in the middle of the lake, they embraced
and very quickly froze to death. This act so impressed the brave's tribe
that they named the lake after the young man.
I will never forget those wonderful vacations that we spent at
LakeStupid.
British Columbia
. We had a favorite place to visit, mostly because of the fine
fishing. It was at a lake that was about 30 miles long and a half mile wide.
While we were around our campfire in the evenings, the local Indians
would go from camp to camp selling their wares. They would also tell of
the legends of the area. This one legend always stuck in my mind:
It seemed that on this particular lake, two Indian tribes made their
homes. They were, however, at war with one another from years before.
There was an Indian maiden in one camp who was in love with a young
brave in the other camp, and they used to stand on the shore of their
respective side of the lake and chant Indian love calls to each other
even though they were warned by their Chiefs that nothing could ever
become of their love.
One day, they just couldn't stand being apart any longer. That evening,
on a cold fall night, they each jumped into the lake and swam towards
each other in the moonlight.
When they reached each other in in the middle of the lake, they embraced
and very quickly froze to death. This act so impressed the brave's tribe
that they named the lake after the young man.
I will never forget those wonderful vacations that we spent at
LakeStupid.
Elephants and Fleas
Q. What's the difference between an elephant and a flea?
A. An elephant can have fleas but fleas can't have elephants
A. An elephant can have fleas but fleas can't have elephants
Calling In Sick
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable No matter how legitimate my
excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the
truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained
a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By
then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top
of
my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's
wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter
and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged
nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as
extremely
cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the
button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No,
it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It
was
our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied
hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked
me
as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most
vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them
with her
needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily
movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight
of
a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in
this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from
experience.
I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and
forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are
not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the
kitchen
floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all
snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to
suppress
their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in
to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about
my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about,
which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the
truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained
a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By
then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top
of
my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's
wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter
and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged
nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as
extremely
cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the
button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No,
it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It
was
our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied
hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked
me
as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most
vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them
with her
needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily
movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight
of
a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in
this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from
experience.
I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and
forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are
not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the
kitchen
floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all
snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to
suppress
their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in
to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about
my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about,
which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
Calling In Sick
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable No matter how legitimate my
excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the
truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained
a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By
then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top
of
my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's
wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter
and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged
nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as
extremely
cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the
button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No,
it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It
was
our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied
hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked
me
as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most
vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them
with her
needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily
movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight
of
a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in
this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from
experience.
I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and
forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are
not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the
kitchen
floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all
snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to
suppress
their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in
to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about
my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about,
which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the
truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained
a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By
then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top
of
my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's
wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter
and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged
nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as
extremely
cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the
button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No,
it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It
was
our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied
hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked
me
as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most
vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them
with her
needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily
movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight
of
a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in
this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from
experience.
I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and
forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are
not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the
kitchen
floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all
snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to
suppress
their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in
to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about
my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about,
which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
Barking
Your dog's barking at the back door. Your spouse's barking at the front. Who do you let in?
Well, it's your call, but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.
Well, it's your call, but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.
A Child's Prayer
A Sunday school teacher asked her pupils, "Now, children, do
you all say your prayers at night?"
A little boy answered, "My mommy says my prayers."
"I see," said the teacher. "And what does your mother say?"
The little boy replied, "THANK GOD HE'S IN BED!"
you all say your prayers at night?"
A little boy answered, "My mommy says my prayers."
"I see," said the teacher. "And what does your mother say?"
The little boy replied, "THANK GOD HE'S IN BED!"
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Where Do Computers Come From?
A little computer goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail and we met at a cyber-cafe. We surfed the Internet and cruised the Information Superhighway together and had MegaBytes of fun.
Our protocol matched and we knew it was time for a hardwire intrface. We sneaked into a secluded room, where after pinging, your mother set her accesspermission to Read, Write, Execute, and agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as the upload was in progress, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, or had Anti Virus software installed. It was too late to hit the delete button, After nine months of sluggish and irratic operation, in your mother's operating system, a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
"You got Male!"
Friday, July 4, 2008
Adventures in Serving Our Country
A Slice of Life in theUS Air Force
A US Air Force C141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at
midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the
latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is
sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take
care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the
aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left
outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar,
which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than
enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the
pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk
criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your
attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going
to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands
up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an
Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule , Greenland
for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look
pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning,
the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump
human waste from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment
did you have in mind?"
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
National Forrest Service Warning
The Forest Service has issued a "BEAR WARNING" in the national forests
for this summer.
for this summer.
They're urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and
carrying pepper spray as a means to scare away bears. Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear
activity, and should be able to tell the difference between black bear
dung, and grizzly bear dung.
Black bear dung is rather small and round. Sometimes you can see fruit
seeds and/or squirrel fur in it.
Grizzly bear dung has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray.
Be Safe. Be informed.
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