Army Computer

In the Army Now

The U.S. has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine
and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question:
Attack or Retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer:
YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer:
YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded:
YES SIR.

Its Time to Get a New Lawyer

It's Time to Get a New Lawyer When

The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other.

During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."

He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

He begins closing arguments with, "As Denny Crane once said..."

A Fairy Tale

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who
did not whine, nag, or complain........



But this was a long time ago......



and it was just ONE day.

The End

The Ins and Outs of Baseball, A Simple Explaination.

This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one that's in, sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come
in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.

When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.

When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless
the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.

The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in

Got it? Now go out, and don't come back in.

The Hungry Lion's Problem

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.
He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the
other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

Error At City Hall

Two men take a wrong turn and walk into a room in the San Francisco City
Hall. A man walks up to them, says a lot of legal mumbo jumbo , and finally declares, "I
now pronounce you spouse and spouse."

One man looks at the other and tells the Justice of the Peace, "We just came
in here to get fishing licenses!"

Dodge City

A cowboy had been in the saloon for a long time and decided that it was
time, once again to head for the hills. He walked through the swing doors
and immediately
noticed that his horse had disappeared from the rail.

"OK" he said, re-entering the crowded bar "I,m gonna have one more drink and
if my horse ain't back by then, the same thing will happen here that
happened
in Dodge City."

With that several of the cowboys ran out of the saloon and within minutes
one had returned to tell him that they'd found his horse for him. As he
turned
to leave the bartender stopped him.

"Excuse me stranger" he said, "but what happened in Dodge City?"

The cowboy replied: "I had to walk home!"

Out of Stock

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we
haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be
getting any
soon."

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who
was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll
have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never,
never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it
and it's
on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

The clerk smiled and said, "Rain."

Didn't Do It

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids
were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were
empty
food boxes and wrappers all around.

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the
counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and
a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys
and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed
up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.

He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened
to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on,
reading
a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from
work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes," was his reply.

She said, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

A Childish Triple Threat

Lunch Time

The power went off at the elementary school, so the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the school cafeteria. She had to feed the children something. At the last moment she whipped up great stacks of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
 

As one little boy, while filling his plate said, "At last... a home cooked meal!"
 

Thought For The Day

Kids are like breaking wind. No matter how bad they are, it is tolerable when they are your own, but offensive when it is someone else's.

Growing Family

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move.
 

"It's no use," Robbie said. "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."
 

Adventures in Married Life

His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years younger. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products.
 
Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?"
 
He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five."
 
"Oh, you're so sweet!"
 
"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet."
 

The Atheist and the Bear.

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created."What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What
beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind. As he turned to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charge toward him. He ran
as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was
pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell to the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him. At that instant he cried out, "Oh my God!"

Just then, time stopped. The bear froze, the forest was silent, the river even stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of
the sky saying, "You deny my existence all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit my creation to a cosmic accident and now you expect
me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said, "It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could you
make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well", said the voice. As the light went out, the river ran, the sounds of the forest continued and the bear put his paw down. The bear then brought
both paws together, bowed his head, and said,

"Lord, I thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

BBQ Steps

It's the only type of cooking a real man will do.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging
beside the grill -- drink in hand.

Here comes the important part

4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with the situation.

More routine...
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery. 6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

Important again...

6. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....

7. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
8. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most of all....

9. Everyone PRAISES the man and THANKS him for his cooking efforts.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Going to Baby Class

Going to Baby Class

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised
the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies,
what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"