Lawyers At the Diner

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned
and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

Collection of Kids

Family Vacation

Preparing for a family vacation, my sister-in-law and her husband
explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the
car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be
arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not
to keep saying, "Are we there yet?"

After a few minutes of peaceful driving, their five-year-old daughter
perked up. "Is it dark yet?"

New Apartment

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to
prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.

"Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

Don't Say That

As Art Linkletters fame grew and kids were interviewed on his show. Parents soon learned to avoid embarrassing moments by coaching kids on what not to say. Art Linkletter discovered this and counteracted by simply asking the kids, "what was it that your parents told you not to say?"

One boy replied that he wasn't to comment on how bad his breath smelles. Mr. Linkletter asked the boy, "how does my breath smell?" Not to be trapped, the boy answered, "I'd rather not say."

Another was asked the same question. His response was that his parents told him to say what ever he wanted. "Just don't get that shirt dirty. I's new, it's too small, and we're taking it back!"

Then there is the definition of how people have fun. One child volunteered that his parents have fun. When asked how they had fun, the child simply said, "I don't know. They lock the door and we can't find out."

One girl must have an idea though. She was asked to describe how her parents met. She replied, "My dad was single and had a secretary. He chased her around and around his desk." "What happened then?" asked Mr. Linkletter. "He caught her." "Then what? prompted the host. "Here I am." she stated.

Fishing Advice

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything
all day. Then another fisherman walks by with a huge load of
fish. They ask him, "Excuse me, but where did you get all
those fish?"

The other fisherman replies, "If you just go down the stream
until the water isn't salty, you will find a ton of hungry
fish."

They thank him and go on their way. Fifteen minutes later,
one fisherman says to the other, "Fill the bucket up with
water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope.
Still salty." Thirty minutes later, he asks him to check
again.
"Nope, still salty." One hour later they check again. "Nope.
Still salty."
"This isn't good," one fisherman finally says. "We have been
walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"

Snake's New Glasses

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days." The Doc
fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water
hose the past 2 years!"

A Quick Grammar Lesson

A teacher wrote on the blackboard: "Like I ain't had no fun in months."

Then she asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"

One student raised his hand and said, "Get a boyfriend!"

Playing It Safe

One night a man who was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a policeman.
 
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?" asked the officer.
 
"I'm going to a lecture," the man answered.
 
"And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
 
"My wife," said the man.

Mom's Present

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the
mother eyes an expensive fur coat.

"This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present
instead of making you and Dad shop for me." The daughter
nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be
perfect too."

The daughter protests, "But Mom, some helpless, poor
creature has to suffer so that you can have this."

"Don't worry, honey," says the mother. "Your father won't
get the bill for a couple of weeks."