Adventures in Car-Pooling

Last Wednesday at work, I learned shortly before quitting time that I had to attend
a meeting. I tried unsuccessfully to locate my car-pool members to let them know that I would not be leaving with them.
Hastily I scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Keith."

At 7:00 p.m., I stopped at my desk and found this note:

"Meet us at the bar and grill across the street, you idiot. You drove!"
 
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Blonde Kidnapper

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she
decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.

She went to a local
park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this
note:

"I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown
bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed,
The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket
and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned
to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak
tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following
note.... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde
would do this to another!"

-- For Keith's Adventures in Web Business Blog visit:
http://mteye-blog.blogspot.com

Silicon Pines

Hey, check out this online brochure I found. I hope it makes a difference for you and making decisions for your loved one.
--RobotComic

Silicon Pines

SHOULD MY LOVED ONE BE PLACED IN AN ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY?



For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one - a parent, a spouse, perhaps a sibling

- is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision.

The time has come to place that loved one into the care of an Assisted Computing Facility. But you have questions. So many questions.



We at Silicon Pines want to help.



WHAT EXACTLY IS AN "ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY"?



Sometimes referred to as "Homes for the Technologically Infirm,"



"Technical Invalid Care Centers," or "Homes for the Technically Challenged," Assisted Computing Facilities (ACFs) are modeled on assisted living facilities,

and provide a safe, structured residential environment for those unable to handle even the most common, everyday multitasks. Most fully accredited ACFs,

like Silicon Pines, are an oasis of hope and encouragement that allow residents to lead productive, technologically relevant lives without the fear and

anxiety associated with actually having to understand or execute the technologies themselves.



WHO SHOULD BE IN AN ACF?



Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that many millions, of all ages, will never truly be able to understand it, putting an undue burden

on those friends and family members who must explain it to them.



But unless the loved one is suffering from a truly debilitating affliction, such as Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely personal.



You must ask yourself:



"How frustrated am I that my parent/sibling/spouse is unable to open an email attachment?"



"How much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is different from hard drive memory?"



"How many times can I bear to hear my dad say, 'Hey, can I replace the motherboard with a fatherboard? Ha ha ha!'"



To make things easier, we have prepared a list of Warning Signs which we encourage you to return to often, or, if you can't figure out how to bookmark it,

print out. Also, please take a moment to read "I'm Glad I'm in Here! - A Resident's Story."



MUST IT BE FAMILY, OR CAN I PLACE ANYONE IN AN ACF?



Several corporations have sought permission to have certain employees, or at times entire sales departments, committed to ACFs. At present, however, individuals

can be committed only by direct family or self-internment.



The reason is simple: there are not nearly enough ACFs in the world to accommodate all the technologically challenged. For example, there are currently

only 860,000 beds available in ACFs, but there are 29 million AOL users.



HOW MUCH WILL IT COST?



ACF rents range from free up to $12,500 per month. The disparity is currently a point of contention in the ACF industry. Many residents are covered through

government programs such as Composed or Compucare, but reimbursement rates are low and only cover a portion of the fees.



Exacerbating the situation are the HMOs (HelpDesk Maintenance Organizations), which often deny coverage, forcing residents to pay out of pocket or turn

to expensive private techcare insurers such as BlueCache/BlueScreen.



Offsetting the costs are technology companies themselves, many of which subsidize ACFs. Firms such as Microsoft, Dell, Qualcomm, and America Online will

pay up to 100 percent of a resident's monthly bill, but there is a catch. ISPs, for instance, require residents to sign service contracts lasting a year

or more. Microsoft, meanwhile, prohibits the installation of any competitive software, while Priceline requires that residents buy shares of its stock,

which seems onerous but saves residents on lavatory tissue.



HOW OLD MUST I BE TO HAVE SOMEONE COMMITTED?



Until very recently, you had to be 18 or older to legally commit a family member. However, the now famous British court case Frazier vs.



Frazier and Frazier has cleared the way for minors to commit their parents. In that case, 15-year-old Bradley Frazier of Leicester had his



37-year-old parents committed to an ACF in Bournemouth after a judge ruled Ian and Janet Frazier were a "danger to themselves and the community." According

to court records, Bradley told his parents about the I LoveYou virus and warned them not to click attachments, then the next day his parents received an

I LoveYou e-mail and clicked on the attachment because, they explained, "it came from someone we know."



WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN AN ACF?



First, make sure it's a genuine Assisted Computing Facility, and not an Assisted Living Facility. To tell the difference, observe the residents.



If they look rather old and tend to openly discuss bowel movements, this is probably 'assisted living.' On the other hand, if they vary in age and say things

like, "I'm supposed to figure that out? I'm not Bill Gates you know!," this is probably 'assisted computing.' Also, at a well-run ACF, residents should

lead full, independent lives, and should be allowed the use of many technology devices, including telephones, electric toothbrushes, and alarm clocks.



However, only a facility's Licensed Techcare Professionals (LTPs)



should perform computational or technological tasks such as installing programs or saving e-mail attachments. And LTPs should NEVER answer residents' questions

because studies have shown that answering user questions inevitably makes things worse. Instead, residents should simply have things done for them, relieving

them of the pressure to "learn" or "improve."



CAN A RESIDENT EVER GET OUT?



No.



OK, THIS SOUNDS PROMISING. HOW CAN I LEARN MORE?



For your enlightenment, we offer extensive information on Silicon Pines and the ACF lifestyle, which can be found by clicking one of the links in the navigation

bars found at both the top and bottom of this page. But whatever you decide, keep in mind that due to demand, ACFs now have long waiting lists. WebTV &

AOL users alone will take years to absorb.

DISCLAIMER: Of course, the above article is meant for humor and entertainment purposes only. As of this posting, no known facilities for the technology impaired exist. Sorry for getting your hopes up.
-- RobotComic.

Enjoy Listening to Old Time Radio.
Stop by the Retro Radio Show for some clean, family friendly entertainment. Sneak a glimpse at what was cool when grandma and grandpa were your age. Or younger!
http://retro.podomatic.com

Female Trouble

Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the
troubles they were having in their apartment building where they lived.
The women still were arguing bitterly when they entered the courtroom.

The judge, banging his gavel to try to quiet them down said, "We are
going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all of you at
once! I'll hear the oldest person first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony...

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Featured in the Newspaper.

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other
and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship
is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and
turns to the obituaries page.

He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column.
He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several
months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises
that it is a mistaken entry from their database.

It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.
"Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike.
Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Brad. open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"
"Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!"
"All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So,
what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Brad, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"
"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.
Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, "So Mike,
where are you calling me from right now?"

A Hair Pulling Day

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister
pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize
that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to
investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

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Stop trying to make money online with programs that don't work. This really does work which is why you see it so often. --

Labeling

I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
 
However, I used to get very frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.
 
If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat, legible tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
 
My frustration is reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it will be there waiting.
 

How God Created Human Beings

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
 
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
 
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
 

Late For Class

At the prestigious university I attend, there is a clear hierarchy that outlines how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace.
 
It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when the student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.
 
"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"
 
"Well," mused the unperturbed youth, "first they saluted, then they inquired, 'How are you this morning, Sir?'"
 

Lesson toLearn

What's dumb?
Directions on toilet paper.

What's dumber than that?
Reading them.

Even dumber?
Reading them and learning something.

Dumbest of all?
Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.

Supreme Authority

A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm
and talked with the old farmer;

I need to inspect your farm.
The old farmer said "You better not go in that field."

"I have the authority of the U. S. Government on my side. See this card, I am
allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."
was the gent's reply.

So the old farmer went about his farm chores, Later, the farmerr
heard loud screams and saw the
Department of Agriculture rep running
for the fence, close behind was the farmer's prize bull.
The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was
gaining at every step.
"Make him stop! Call off your bull!" cried the federal agent.

The Old farmer called out: "Show him your card!"

submitted by: Deanna H.

Tools of the Trade

A photographer was invited to a dinner and took along a few photos to show. The hostess looked at his work and said, "These are very good photos. You must have an excellent camera."
 
After dinner, the man said to the hostess, "That was a delicious meal. You must have some excellent pots and pans."
 

A Good Question

Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big
money someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route
carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage
business.

"Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That 96 foot
beauty belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. That one over there,
the 104 footer is owned by the head of Goldman, Sachs. And look at that huge 210foot yacht out there. That's the pride and joy of the top seller at
Prudential-Bache."

His friend Morris was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a
pained look on his face.

"What's the matter?" Goodman asked.

"I was just wondering," Morris said, "why aren't there any customers'
yachts?"

Great Truths About Growing Old

• Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
   
  
• Forget the health foods. I need all the preservatives I can get.
   
  
• When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you are down there.
   
  
• You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you used to get from a roller coaster.
   
  
• It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
   
  
• Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
   
  
• Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.