Request for Farm Subsidy

Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir:
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a
check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs.
So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next
year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best
kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best
breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I
approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental
policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if
that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as
gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in
keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't
raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so,
and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until
this year when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising
hogs.

If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000
for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale
at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not
raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I
can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay
farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for
payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so
send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will
be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and
food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

PS: Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute
more free cheese.