Whenever I get a package of plain M&M's, I make it my duty to continue
the strength and robustness of the candy as a
species. To this end,
I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure,
squeezing them together until one of them
cracks and splinters. That
is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner
gets to go another
round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red MMs are tougher,
and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior.
I have
hypothesized that the blue MMs as a race cannot survive long in the
intense theatre of competition that is
the modern candy and
snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is
misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost
invariably
this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the
candy extra strength. In this way,
the species continues to adapt to
its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the
strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one
as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and
send it to:
M&M Mars
A Division of Mars, Inc.
Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503
along with a 3x5 card reading,
"Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a
free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this
"grant money." I
have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of
hundreds, we will discover the
True Champion.
There can be only one.
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