Some Quickies from the UK

From British Newspapers

The following may or may not be truthful. It's still all in fun

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather
high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged
for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his
house." (The Daily Telegraph)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch
vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

At the height of the gale, the harbor master radioed a coast guard
(member) and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was
sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the
wind had just blown his Land Rover over the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made to their passengers:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service.
I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to
be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to
the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll
let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere
between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach
our destination."

"We are now traveling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told
me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about
things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to
a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,
ladies and gentleman... Unfortunately, towels are not provided."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (...pause). Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, and see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."