Great Truths Adults Have Learned

• Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
   
  
  
  
• Wrinkles don't hurt.
   
  
  
  
• Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
   
  
  
  
• Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
   
  
  
  
• Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
   
  
  
  
• Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
   
   
  
  

Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned

• No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
   
  
  
• When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
   
  
  
• If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
   
  
  
• Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
   
  
  
• You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
   
  
  
• Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
   
  
  
• Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
   
  
  
• You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
   
  
  
• Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
   
  
  
• The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
   
   
  
  

Natural Remedies

Trying to control her dry hair, my wife, who's into
natural remedies, treated her scalp with olive oil
before washing it.

Worried that the oil might leave an odor, she washed
her hair several times.

That night when I went to bed, she leaned over to me
and asked, "Honey, do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," said I, giving her a sniff. "Do I smell like Popeye?"

The Farmer's Mother n Law

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who
immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer genuinely
tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be
a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.

To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding
changes, offering unwanted advice, and making life unbearable to the
farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly
reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her
instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the
casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to
the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he
would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Very curious about this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the
farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy'
and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'

The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head
and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'

Six THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A PREGNANT WOMAN

• "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
  
  
• "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"
  
  
• "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
  
  
• "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's
  gotta hurt!"
  
  
• "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
  
  
• "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."
  

Whatcha Doin'?

Henry's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle Festus came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, they were required to sleep together.
 
When Uncle Festus came into the bedroom, he saw Henry kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.
 
Henry looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"
 
"Why, the same thing you're doing," replied Uncle Festus.
 
"Ma's gonna be mad", said Henry, "The pot's on this side."
 

New Phone Number

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone
number, I dialed him -- and got a woman. "Is Mike there?" I asked.

"He's in the shower," she responded.

"Please tell him his
girlfriend called," I said and hung up. When he didn't return the
call, I dialed again. This time a man answered.

"This is Mike," he
said.

"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.

"I know," he
replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the
past half-hour."

20 Useless Inventions

1.  A Pedal powered wheelchair
2.  A black highlighter pen
3.  Glow in the dark sunglasses
4.  Non stick duct tape
5.  Solar Powered Flash Light
6.  Waterproof sponge
7.  Waterproof Teabags
8.  Inflatable Anchor
9.  Inflatable Dartboard
10. Seatbelts for Motorbikes
11. Silent Alarm Clock
12. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
13. Battery powered Battery Charger
14. Braille Drivers Manual
15. Double sided playing cards
16. Ejector seats for Helicopters
17. Fireproof Matches
18. Fireproof Cigarettes
19. Smooth Sandpaper
20. Hand powered Chainsaw

Equality

A Heart warming Story Of The Advances Of Women In Achieving Equality Throughout The World
 
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in The Middle East several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
 
She returned to the region recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
 
Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
 
"Land mines," said the woman.
 

A Deaf Night Out

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about  being out late the
night before. The first man signed to his friend,  "My wife was asleep when
I got home, so I
was able to sneak into bed and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky.  My wife was wide awake,
waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."

Random Quotes

• "Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children
  to come back home." -Bill Cosby
  
  

• If you want to be successful, it's just this simple: Know what you're
  doing. Love what you're doing. And believe in what you're doing.
  -- Will Rogers
  
  

• The people that get on in this world are the people that get up and look
  for the circumstances that they want; and if they can't find them, they make
  them.
  -- George Bernard Shaw
  
  

• The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
  -- Eleanor Roosevelt
  
  

• The best way to predict the future is to create it!
  -- Jason Kaufmann
  
  

• Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger
  -- Unknown
  
  

• The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive
  of the environment in which you first find yourself.
  -- Mark Caine
  
  

• The future is simply infinite possibility waiting to happen. What it
  waits on is human imagination to crystallize its possibility.
  -- L. Kaiser
  
  

• There is not a heart but has its moments of longing, yearning for
  something
  better, nobler, holier than it knows now.     --Henry Ward Beecher
  
  

• A friend and I were driving to a mall when we came to a bridge under
  construction. 
  The road narrowed to one lane, with a light at either end.  We stopped at the
  red light
  on our side, and when it turned green, we started up again.
  Halfway through, we met another car coming toward us.  The driver leaned out
  his window
  and shouted,  "I don't back up for idiots!"
      

  Putting the car into reverse, my friend called back, "No problem!  I
  do!"
  
  

• Some people kiss with their eyes closed.  Too bad they also marry the
  same way.
  
  

• Did you ever notice when you put the words "The" and "IRS" together it
  spells "THEIRS"?
  

A WalMart Moment

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your
vehicle . . .
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview
couple who drove
their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking
lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts
into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly
put her hand UP his shorts,
and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring
at her husband
who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

A Baby Story

Nancy's nephew was 4 when she was pregnant with her first kid. She
allowed him to place his hand on her belly and feel the baby kick.

His little face scrunched and said, "How does the baby get out of
there?"

She wanted to keep it simple so she said, "The doctor will
help."

His eyes widened in amazement as he exclaimed, "You've got
a doctor in there, too?"

Bungee Jumping

Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico."
 
Joe thinks this is a great idea so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
 
They travel to Mexico
and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work.
 
When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps...
 
He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him and he falls again, bounces again and comes back up again.
 
This time he is bruised and bleeding.
 
Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
 
Luckily Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
 
Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine; it was the crowd. WHAT THE HECK IS A PINATA?"
 

Marriage Counseling

A Hard Day's Night

I had put in an 18-hour day at work and was upset to find my four-year-old, Zack asleep in bed with my husband when I got home. Zack squirms so much it is impossible to get a decent night's sleep when he is with us. Exhausted, I collapsed into his bed instead, where I slept better than I had in years.
 
The next morning, I asked my husband, "Why was Zack in bed with you?"
 
"Oh," he replied, shrugging, "he wet his bed, and I was too tired to change his sheets."