Hunting Accident in Alaska

A guy, out hunting in Alaska, accidentally shoots a polar bear. Realising
his mistake, he reports the incident to the local ranger.

A week later, he gets a letter in the mail, telling him that he is being
taken to court by the park service. Arriving at court, he explains to the
judge
what happened, and the judge comes to a decision.

"As you didn't kill this protected species intentionally, I don't intend to
send you to prison", the judge says. "However, it is still a serious error
on
your part, and I intend to deal with you by way of a fine, based upon the
body weight of the animal".

"For every one pound of body weight, you will be fined $10". Consulting his
records, the judge finds the weight of the bear, as recorded by the park
services,
and calls for a calculator. After a minute of two, he calls the hunter to
the bench, and gives his judgement; a fine of $9,000.

The representative of the park services jumps to his feet, and approaches
the judge. "Your Honour", he says, "With the greatest respect, I believe you've
made a mistake in your calculations".

"We weighed the animal shortly after it was shot, and it weighed a total of
1000 pounds". "Surely, based on that measurement, the fine should be
$10,000".

The judge looks at the ranger, and says, "I made a calculation, taking into
consideration, the animals' weight, minus its two front paws". Looking
rather
confused, the ranger asks, "but why did you not include the front paws in
your calculation?"

"Because", the judge replies, "Every American has the right to bear arms!"

Life With a True Football Fan

After spending all day Sunday watching football games on television,
a man fell asleep in his lounge chair, spending the entire night in there.

His wife woke him in the morning. "It's twenty to seven," she called.

"In whose favor?"

Magic Penny

My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed
one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room.

Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had
accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No
amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to
have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear.

Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand,
swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

Detecting the Truth

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man was able to clearly see his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in dozens of activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

Lamaze Class

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity
requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what
it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying,
"This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife
would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, pick up that pen for me."

The Mighty Tiger

There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great. He
felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him,
"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"

And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one
is mightier than you."

A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO
IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"

The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer,
"Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."

The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly
munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE
MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"

Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up,
slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was
just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a
nearby tree.

The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said,
"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."

A Near Accident

When the light changed, Maurice stepped off the curb and started to
cross the street. He had to jump backward when an SUV almost hit him.

The woman inside calmed the nine terrified and screaming kids she was transporting from the
soccer match. Then she asked Maurice if he was okay.

"Lady!" he yelled. "Don't you know when to stop?"

She yelled back, "They're not all mine!"